Practicing HIS Truths over my feelings

Today would have been Conner's 33rd birthday.  I am not quite sure how I am supposed to be feeling.  I am experiencing an overwhelming sense of confusion.  I don't know how to handle such an event with my babies.  Do we celebrate his life?  Do we mourn with additional ceremony?  How are we supposed to feel?  Joy that he is in Heaven?  Sorrow that we have been left here without him?  I am just being honest folks.  I am confused! You see, I loved this man with more devotion than I could have ever imagined that I possessed.  I am a pretty guarded individual and when it came to Conner Wilson, I allowed no barriers to stand between us!  My love for him bordered on obsession and idolatry many times in our lives.  In the later part of our marriage I felt like I was finally getting it right with his proper God-given placement in my life.  I was finally putting God before Conner and the result was a bea...

My precious sister, Laura, came in from France to visit me for a short while.  She wrote me something that is precious to my grieving heart and healing to my shaky soul.  I asked her if I could share it here and she graciously agreed.  It's Only a Matter of Time By:  Mrs. Laura LeBlanc When "Broken at Your Feet" is our theme song, it's only a matter of time. When we're in utter darkness, no hands to be seen right in front of our eyes, it's only a matter of time. When words cannot describe the heart-wrenching desperation for all to be well, it's only a matter of time. When it's too painful to bear the next moment, it's only a matter of time. When thoughts take us to places we've never been and never wanted to be, it's only a matter of time. When we can't stand any longer not to squeeze them tight, it's only a matter of time. When the days are too long and too hard, it's only a matter of time. When life w...

I have been walking through a deeper, darker valley of the shadow of death lately.  I feel myself giving in to depression and despair, fear and anxiety.  I cannot see my way out, nor see the next step in front of me.  I do not want to travel the road that I am on.  I am feeling deeper and more intense pain from my loss.  I sit, unresponsive to this life that is moving on before me.  The pain is unbearable and unmanageable most of the time.  Nothing helps.  Nothing takes it away.  Nothing is working for me. The unfair thing about my suffering is that I not only have to deal with the greatest loss of my life, but in conjunction, the avalanche of decisions, unholy emotions, and relational complications that come with my loss.  I am overwhelmed at the magnitude of the storm raging around me.   I cannot bear the weight of what is being heaped upon my shoulders.  I am ruined. Even so, In HI...

Francis Chan Rope Illustration Click on this link for a short 5 minute video from Francis Chan.  Great perspective!  Oh, how I feel the weight of his exhortations!

As I sit in my bedroom floor, here at 9:30 PM, writing this blog post, I am so deeply saddened to be here alone.  I honestly do not have the words to describe my feelings for my husband and the hole that I now have in my soul because of his absence.  He was the greatest man that I have ever known.  He was used by God to usher me into a deep relationship with the Lord and I do not know how I can possibly spend the rest of my life without him.  With all that said, I know in the deepest part of my soul that God will carry me the rest of my days. I did not start out with great security in my spiritual life that I have today.  You see, I used to (and am sure I still do) have some really messed up views of God and who He is.  As I look back over the past 10 years of my life I can see God's Hand at work, many times through Conner, to right my wrong assumptions of who He was.  Hurt, fear and pain can work overtime to thwart ...

The sorrow from my loss has overwhelmed my soul, these past seven weeks.  At times I see hope for my families' future, then without warning hopelessness floods my soul.  The exhaustion that comes from my daily emotional roller coaster wipes me out.  At the end of the day (and at times throughout the day), I usually have very little to offer to anyone.  I wonder if my children will be able to make it through this without being messed up for the rest of their lives.  I wonder if I will ever be able to be happy again.  I beg the Lord to return now, to cause the unbearable pain to stop.  The silence is deafening.  The loneliness is dark.  The questions hover between me and my Maker. And yet, at the same time in a strange coupling, I experience joy (not happiness but God-induced, eternal joy).  The kindness, generosity, and love from the Body of Christ have engulfed me and given me comfort.  I have pas...