I often have days like today when the enormity of my sorrow seems to freeze me. I am emotionless and motionless. I have no answers, or opinions, or desires (save having Conner back). I lay in a graveyard with newly placed stones to commemorate a life well-lived for the Lord's Glory. Stones that have been prayed for and prayed over. Words chosen with care and conviction. Selections with the purpose of honoring a man's life and testifying of the God he loved and served for 32 years. Simultaneously, being the one left without him, I am undone. I feel as if at any moment, my chest will collapse from the pressure of the pain within. It is hard to breathe. It is almost impossible to move. I sleep because it is a break from the agony and my body is so tired from the trauma. When I am awake I sit dazed and torpid. Last week the kids and I attempted to go on vacation. I made it through the first ...
The purpose of these writings is somewhat selfish, as they work therapy for my weary soul. Here is a place where I can refocus (purposefully) on HOPE and GOD'S TRUTH, over what I am feeling. Now, I don't believe that feelings are wrong; what I do believe is that feelings are great followers and unstable leaders. I pray that you might encounter The Savior who loves me, has protected and guided me through my valley of the shadow of death.