I have been really depressed as of late. I swing back and forth on a pendulum and it is causing disorientation. I feel as if I can't find any sure ground to start my recovery. Everyone has gone back to normal life and I feel completely alone and unable to express how I am really doing. Maybe this is the isolation of grief that I was warned about!?!? For so long people would ask and sit and listen. Now I force my grief on others whether they ask or not. I know they care about me, but I have no one that really cares like a constant, daily, attentive companion that Conner was to me. I know that there is probably a "big fish" aspect of Conner and our marriage now that he is gone, but I also know how cherished he made me feel. I am lonely. I felt like I was going to boil over today so, I dropped the youngest off at Mother's Day Out and retreated to Conner's grave. I have no idea why I feel so close to Conner here, or why the...
The purpose of these writings is somewhat selfish, as they work therapy for my weary soul. Here is a place where I can refocus (purposefully) on HOPE and GOD'S TRUTH, over what I am feeling. Now, I don't believe that feelings are wrong; what I do believe is that feelings are great followers and unstable leaders. I pray that you might encounter The Savior who loves me, has protected and guided me through my valley of the shadow of death.