Today would have been Conner's 33rd birthday. I am not quite sure how I am supposed to be feeling. I am experiencing an overwhelming sense of confusion. I don't know how to handle such an event with my babies. Do we celebrate his life? Do we mourn with additional ceremony? How are we supposed to feel? Joy that he is in Heaven? Sorrow that we have been left here without him?
I am just being honest folks. I am confused!
You see, I loved this man with more devotion than I could have ever imagined that I possessed. I am a pretty guarded individual and when it came to Conner Wilson, I allowed no barriers to stand between us! My love for him bordered on obsession and idolatry many times in our lives. In the later part of our marriage I felt like I was finally getting it right with his proper God-given placement in my life. I was finally putting God before Conner and the result was a beautiful marriage that worked the way that God had planned for it to. I loved God with tenacity and loved my husband with the love I derived from my God. It was supernatural and spectacular. There are no adequate words to describe the beauty and healing that came from my marriage to this INCREDIBLE man.
Conner knew me better than anyone else has ever come close to knowing me. He loved me in such an intense, drawing, gentle, and purposeful way. I was his queen. He loved me straight into the arms of Jesus. I was keenly aware that Conner's love for me came directly from the One who loved me the most. Conner's job was to act as a conduit of God's grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, kindness, patience, and faithfulness that The One wanted to deliver to me. Through Conner's love for me, I began to understand God's love for this broken and insecure girl inside of me.
We, as believers, have that very same purpose for each of our lives! We are to be conduits of God's gifts to others, especially our spouses, and families so that those that don't believe, or those believers that have some false views of God can experience "Jesus with skin on." Oh, how thankful I am for my personal "Jesus with skin on" man!
Our marriage was something I could have only dreamed of. To actually experience that kind of love helped me to grasp more of Who my Savior is, and His intense love for me. Isn't that what God's design was and is for marriage? That we magnify Him, and His relationship to us? That is why when a marriage actually does the thing it was intended to do, many (including those inside the marriage) stand in awe of the Designer and His Perfect Plan.
So today, on such a sorrowful occasion for me, personally, I choose to be grateful for the marriage that I was given. I choose to be grateful for the man that Conner was in Christ. I choose to remember that all I experienced through Conner was an outpouring of God's Love to me and that that Love did not stop when Conner stepped into eternity. I choose to thank The Lord for the healing I experienced through Conner. I choose to remember the love and be grateful that it was mine for a short time. I choose to remember this man that radiated Christ to a sick and dying world. I choose to live my life in the same manner. I choose to permeate my children with their Daddy's love, integrity, devotion, kindness, faithfulness, bravery, vision, grace, patience, mercy, compassion, and strength. I choose HIM and HIS Plan for my life. I choose HIS Ways because I know that they are higher than my ways. Today I want more of HIM because I know that all I adored in my beloved Conner was a shadow of HIM, the real thing that my heart is looking for. My man was great, but he would tell you that his God was greater.
Lord Jesus, let us live with tenacity for the Kingdom which is coming swiftly. Let us love others straight into Your Arms.
I am just being honest folks. I am confused!
You see, I loved this man with more devotion than I could have ever imagined that I possessed. I am a pretty guarded individual and when it came to Conner Wilson, I allowed no barriers to stand between us! My love for him bordered on obsession and idolatry many times in our lives. In the later part of our marriage I felt like I was finally getting it right with his proper God-given placement in my life. I was finally putting God before Conner and the result was a beautiful marriage that worked the way that God had planned for it to. I loved God with tenacity and loved my husband with the love I derived from my God. It was supernatural and spectacular. There are no adequate words to describe the beauty and healing that came from my marriage to this INCREDIBLE man.
Conner knew me better than anyone else has ever come close to knowing me. He loved me in such an intense, drawing, gentle, and purposeful way. I was his queen. He loved me straight into the arms of Jesus. I was keenly aware that Conner's love for me came directly from the One who loved me the most. Conner's job was to act as a conduit of God's grace, mercy, love, forgiveness, kindness, patience, and faithfulness that The One wanted to deliver to me. Through Conner's love for me, I began to understand God's love for this broken and insecure girl inside of me.
We, as believers, have that very same purpose for each of our lives! We are to be conduits of God's gifts to others, especially our spouses, and families so that those that don't believe, or those believers that have some false views of God can experience "Jesus with skin on." Oh, how thankful I am for my personal "Jesus with skin on" man!
Our marriage was something I could have only dreamed of. To actually experience that kind of love helped me to grasp more of Who my Savior is, and His intense love for me. Isn't that what God's design was and is for marriage? That we magnify Him, and His relationship to us? That is why when a marriage actually does the thing it was intended to do, many (including those inside the marriage) stand in awe of the Designer and His Perfect Plan.
So today, on such a sorrowful occasion for me, personally, I choose to be grateful for the marriage that I was given. I choose to be grateful for the man that Conner was in Christ. I choose to remember that all I experienced through Conner was an outpouring of God's Love to me and that that Love did not stop when Conner stepped into eternity. I choose to thank The Lord for the healing I experienced through Conner. I choose to remember the love and be grateful that it was mine for a short time. I choose to remember this man that radiated Christ to a sick and dying world. I choose to live my life in the same manner. I choose to permeate my children with their Daddy's love, integrity, devotion, kindness, faithfulness, bravery, vision, grace, patience, mercy, compassion, and strength. I choose HIM and HIS Plan for my life. I choose HIS Ways because I know that they are higher than my ways. Today I want more of HIM because I know that all I adored in my beloved Conner was a shadow of HIM, the real thing that my heart is looking for. My man was great, but he would tell you that his God was greater.
Lord Jesus, let us live with tenacity for the Kingdom which is coming swiftly. Let us love others straight into Your Arms.
Comments
I believe the Lord celebrates your faith, your courage and your transparency as you walk these difficult days. Your words and your experience is touching lives for HIM.
May the Lord bless and keep you.... As He draws you deeper and deeper into His heart. We love you and your beautiful family and continue to pray for you everyday.