Sometimes when life is really hard and you get tired of seeing happiness all around you (as you drown in misery and turmoil) you have to escape to a place that refreshes your soul with the four littles who breathe purpose into your life.
I can't sit here, in this house, waiting and hoping for something to change. What has been given and with more difficulty, what has been taken away is my current reality. Something has changed and reformed the entirety of our lives, my job is to wrap my mind around it and deal with it. I did not choose all of this, but I did plan on and choose some of it.
I chose to say yes to the most wonderful man on earth. I chose to give our marriage everything I had, and I will never regret that. Nine and a half years of bliss are mine to be grateful for.
Conner and I chose (as far as we could) these four babies that are my driving force. We chose to allow God to create a family, if that was HIS Will, and create HE did.....a BIG one!
I did not choose for my dear husband to leave this earth almost seven months ago. I did not choose it and most of the time I resent it. I long to have the faith that God's Will is superior to my own, but most of the time (in my pride) I feel something has gone terribly wrong with HIS Plan. "I could do better than this," I think to myself.
I am wrestling with The Lord. HE knows it. Why deny it with hollow Christian platitudes? I am wrestling for understanding. I am wrestling for peace. I am wrestling for meaning and purpose. I am wrestling for joy. I am wrestling for answers.
As I wrestle, I am reminded that I did choose to say yes to Jesus about 10 years ago. I chose HIM to not only save me from the pit of hell, but I chose to give HIM Lordship over my life. I willingly chose it. From that day of submission until August 12th, 2014, it seemed to work well for me. I enjoyed the blessings that The Lord lavished on me. I even began to think, "Nothing bad has really ever happened to me, I wonder when it's my turn?" Chicken Little extraordinaire! Then, on August 12th my sky fell in. My world came crashing down down with three little words, "Conner's with Jesus." My heart shrinks back, my eyes burn and my stomach sinks as I recall any part of that evening and every day since then. I honestly experience physical pain when I recall that day and many horrific days since.
Now Job's rhetorical question to his wife pricks my heart like never before, "Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?" (From Job 2:10).
When I chose HIM to be Lord (Lord is an appellation for a person or deity who has authority, control, or power over others; a master, chief, or ruler) of my life, I agreed to come under HIS authority, control, and power.
By willingly giving HIM Lordship over my life, I have placed authority over me in HIS Hands. HE has given HIS People a directions booklet called The Bible. The way that I allow HIM control is by reading and obeying HIS Word. The Power that HE exhibits over me is through HIS Holy Spirit at work transforming me into HIS Likeness (2 Corinthians 3:18).
So, I must go to HIS Word for my Truth and walk out in obedience to it, just as I expect my children to obey me as their authority. "But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves." James 1:22 (NASB)
I find soul wrenching conviction in Job 1:20-21, "Then Job arose and rent his robe and shaved his head and fell down upon the ground and worshiped
And said, Naked (without possessions) came I [into this world] from my mother’s womb, and naked (without possessions) shall I depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed (praised and magnified in worship) be the name of the Lord!"
This man is praising The Lord in his most desperate time in life because he knows that all he had was given to him by The Lord, it was a gift. Then a moment later in chapter two when his wife says, in her extreme grief, "Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die!”, Job replies “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?”
What great conviction and perspective for those that mourn! Shall we only accept good from our God? Do our precious children only accept good from us? Could it work that way? Or maybe it's that we might have a greater perspective than they do. Though it hurts at times, we know the results will be well worth it because we see further and with greater clarity than they do! Should we look at pain and suffering any differently? If I have faith in HIM and HIS Sovereignty, then I should remember to praise HIM through my suffering because HE has a much greater perspective than I can fathom. I can grumble and complain, but when I stand in HIS Presence, I am speechless (Job 40:4-5) and my complaints go silent.
The end result from following The Lord and HIS Ways will always produce Kingdom results in which we will stand in awe because we will then know, it was not us, it was HIM in us! That is when we experience the TRUTH and the POWER of HIS Word and Spirit!
"We count those blessed who endured. You have heard of the endurance of Job and have seen the outcome of the Lord’s dealings, that the Lord is full of compassion and is merciful." James 5:11 (NASB)
My God is FULL of compassion and mercy!
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