10 months today

Today is 10 months and grief has snuck in to steal my day.  There is no linear movement in sorrow.  There is no getting better, there is only functioning better, or maybe learning to hide it better.  One description I heard compared loss to an enormous hole in your soul, with jagged, sharp, dangerous edges.  With the passing of time the hole did not change but the jagged edges were smoothed down so it wasn't as sharp.  So my thought is, "Oh great, I get to walk around the rest of my life with a hole in my soul?"
 

Facebook and Instagram are the devils handiwork in the life of the suffering!  Happy families with happy pictures, all together, all complete.  Post after post of families planning wonderful trips this summer and counting down the days to their Disney vacations.  Beautiful, happy, whole families are planning intentional leisure time and I've got NOTHING, no plans for leisure, only survival!  I don't even know what we are going to do tomorrow, let alone plan a vacation.  I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.  I just want to escape and find him there, waiting for me.    
 

I feel like every time I am getting better and finding enough strength to stand, another wave comes barreling in and knocks me off my feet, pulling me under the suffocating waves.

Moments of pain that take my breath away.  Moments when you see your child cling so desperately to a man, not their father, knowing that that fatherly affection and care is a gaping hole in their tender, precious soul that should not have been.  You weep uncontrollably for your children.  You scream and kick and ask "why?"

On top of the nauseating family summer fun, Father's Day is EVERYWHERE!  You cannot escape it no matter where you turn.  Yet, you are not thinking about what perfect gift to buy, you are asking the Lord for wisdom on how to help your children through this first Father's Day without their Daddy.  You are asking yourself, "Is it appropriate to visit his grave on Father's Day, or is that too much for your precious little ones?"  In Sunday School and Mother's Day Out all the children are preparing homemade gifts for their Daddies and you don't know how to answer the question, "What do you want your children to do?"  "I don't know!" I want to scream at the top of my lungs!  "I don't know!"

And my purpose in writing all this very personal, emotional truth is to share and show and shine light on the fact that this Christ-following life is hard.  It doesn't always look as good as posts on Facebook and Instagram.  I'm not always happy!  I still hurt DEEPLY, even though I have great faith in what The Lord is doing.  I am not always doing ok, even if I appear to be.  Shouldn't we all be careful with our 30 second assessments of others?  Shouldn't we give ourselves to really listening, taking the time to be present, and seeking out the Holy Spirit's leading for others?  We MUST be careful with labeling others as "doing good" for our own selfish desire not to be too inconvenienced with "their issues"!  Let's give up the hollow, "How are you?" reply, "Doing good!"

My goal in the valley of mine is to cling tightly to HIM who protects and guides me because the truth is...this SUCKS!  The only place I can go to find something solid to stand on is HIS Word.  How stupid everything else that we waste our lives on truly is!  I mean, really think about the hours we waste on cosmetics and exercise, yet I wonder if we care for our soul more than our face and body?!?!  Look at the amount of money we spend on stupid things that we will literally leave behind the moment our body gives out.  I mean, truly pause and think about that!

Let's take a bird's eye view of where we truly find our treasure, because many times, like today, all I can see is the dark valley.  I feel the weight of the presence of the darkness all around me, haunting me.  Maybe you are lost in a valley of prosperity where you are so content that you cannot find HIM?!?!....this my friend is another ploy of the evil one to distract!  No matter the case, we are all in a valley, because we are finite, in desperate need of a superior view.  

So, that is exactly what I'm asking for, a superior view.  HE shows me the answer in 2 Corinthians 4:7-18.

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I may be in this dark, sunless valley today, unable to find a way out, but I will NOT be driven to despair because of the POWER of the One within me!  HE will protect me!  He will guide me!  Psalm 23.

The devil may be pursuing me like a prowling lion, preparing to devour me, but I have NOT been deserted to stand alone.  The Lord will never leave me or forsake me!  HE will fight for me! 1 Peter 5:8-9.  Deuteronomy 31:6.  Exodus 14:14.

So I will walk around for the rest of my days with a hole in my soul.  Isn't this the part of being handed over to death for Jesus' sake that Paul was talking about?  Wasn't he reminding us that we were going to be put on display so that the POWER of the resurrection life of Jesus would be made known to the world that has a one-way ticket to hell?!  So there is a GRAND purpose in the pain!  1 John 4:17.  Philippians 2:17.

Death may be at work in me, but I can stand on the JOY that Life is at work in others because of my affliction.  Philippians 1:12-26.  Hebrews 12:1-3.

So today, I have believed, and therefore I speak.  As a matter of fact, on a day like today, I hold on to that belief and therefore I AM YELLING THAT HIS SACRIFICE FOR US MUST BE A CONSIDERATION FOR YOU TODAY!!!!  Because I am assured that He Who raised up the Lord Jesus will raise us up also with Jesus and bring us [along] with you into His presence. For all [these] things are [taking place] for your sake, so that the more grace (divine favor and spiritual blessing) extends to more and more people and multiplies through the many, the more thanksgiving may increase [and redound] to the glory of God.

So today, these awful ten months later, I will NOT give in to the evil one's discouragement because I know that HE is renewing me inwardly each and every day that I breath.  Each and every day my body is closer to death, but my soul is getting closer and closer to LIFE!!!

I can say today that the death of my most precious Conner is light and momentary because in a billion years I will not consider the affliction to be paramount, but I will fully comprehend the weight of eternal  ripples that this pain produced and the glory that was brought to The One.

So I will mentally give myself a good shaking tonight and remember that I am to look to the things that are eternal and not seen, rather than the uncertainties in my valley of temporal, perishing problems.

ALL PRAISE AND GLORY AND HONOR AND RENOWNED GO TO HIM!

I do believe Lord, help my unbelief!



(2 Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭7-18‬ AMP) 

However, we possess this precious treasure [the divine Light of the Gospel] in [frail, human] vessels of earth, that the grandeur and exceeding greatness of the power may be shown to be from God and not from ourselves. We are hedged in (pressed) on every side [troubled and oppressed in every way], but not cramped or crushed; we suffer embarrassments and are perplexed and unable to find a way out, but not driven to despair; We are pursued (persecuted and hard driven), but not deserted [to stand alone]; we are struck down to the ground, but never struck out and destroyed; Always carrying about in the body the liability and exposure to the same putting to death that the Lord Jesus suffered, so that the [resurrection] life of Jesus also may be shown forth by and in our bodies. For we who live are constantly [experiencing] being handed over to death for Jesus' sake, that the [resurrection] life of Jesus also may be evidenced through our flesh which is liable to death. Thus death is actively at work in us, but [it is in order that our] life [may be actively at work] in you. Yet we have the same spirit of faith as he had who wrote, I have believed, and therefore have I spoken. We too believe, and therefore we speak, [Ps. 116:10.] Assured that He Who raised up the Lord Jesus will raise us up also with Jesus and bring us [along] with you into His presence. For all [these] things are [taking place] for your sake, so that the more grace (divine favor and spiritual blessing) extends to more and more people and multiplies through the many, the more thanksgiving may increase [and redound] to the glory of God. Therefore we do not become discouraged (utterly spiritless, exhausted, and wearied out through fear). Though our outer man is [progressively] decaying and wasting away, yet our inner self is being [progressively] renewed day after day. For our light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!], Since we consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal (brief and fleeting), but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting.