I often have days like today when the enormity of my sorrow seems to freeze me. I am emotionless and motionless. I have no answers, or opinions, or desires (save having Conner back).
I lay in a graveyard with newly placed stones to commemorate a life well-lived for the Lord's Glory. Stones that have been prayed for and prayed over. Words chosen with care and conviction. Selections with the purpose of honoring a man's life and testifying of the God he loved and served for 32 years.
Simultaneously, being the one left without him, I am undone.
I feel as if at any moment, my chest will collapse from the pressure of the pain within. It is hard to breathe. It is almost impossible to move. I sleep because it is a break from the agony and my body is so tired from the trauma. When I am awake I sit dazed and torpid.
Last week the kids and I attempted to go on vacation. I made it through the first part of the trip partly because there were no memories attached to the places we visited. Then, the second part of the trip I arrived and left our destination in less than 24 hours because of the recollection of past family trips to this place. I sobbed as I drove through the town where two of our children were born. I could not contain my weeping as we drove down the island where we had vacationed several times in the past. My mind went to the streets and condos where we had stayed. I looked despairingly at the golf course where he had played a relaxing round of golf with his dad and buddies years ago. I hoped silently that we would not drive by his favorite restaurant where they dump the shrimp and craw fish boil in the middle of the table and you primitively eat with your hands. The pictures of him and his baby girls on this very beach are seared in my mind. Beautiful moments of walking hand in hand down the beach with him are paralyzing. The memories came flooding back and I began to freak out internally. I managed to get the kids to bed Sunday night and immediately ran out to my car in desperation, needing a private moment to cry and think. I decided that it was just too hard to stay.
Monday morning the kids and I packed up and drove the long, grueling eight hours home. I cried most of the way home, as I attempted to drive safely through the tears. The grief was washing over me in unstoppable waves.
I feel as though I am a wounded animal, crippling along. I am attempting to move, but the progress looks non-existent. Honestly, I don't even know what progress would look like. I don't want to remain here, but I don't want to leave. I don't want to reach a place where I am OK and able to function without Conner, yet the sobering reality of my life demands this of me.
I am tired of conversations, emails and texts about detestable subjects like head and foot stones. I am weary from concerns about my will and the welfare of my kids if something were to happen to me. I am overthrown by my new role as bill payer and the vast amount of late fees I have had to pay in the last year because I am wholly unaccustomed to it. I do not know how to lead and comfort my precious, hurting children. I feel inept in almost every aspect of my new life.
I can't seem to figure out this grief thing, as a natural-born fixer. I cannot fix it. I can do nothing about it. I drags me in, kicking and screaming, and has no concern for my unwillingness to participate. Watching helplessly as your children mourn the loss of their Daddy is nauseating and disgusting.
So utterly, I am deficient.
Yet here in this place of complete and total insufficiency, HE reminds me over and over, that HE is sufficient.
"And to keep me from being puffed up and too much elated by the exceeding greatness (preeminence) of these revelations, there was given me a thorn ([a]a splinter) in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to rack and buffet and harass me, to keep me from being excessively exalted.
I lay in a graveyard with newly placed stones to commemorate a life well-lived for the Lord's Glory. Stones that have been prayed for and prayed over. Words chosen with care and conviction. Selections with the purpose of honoring a man's life and testifying of the God he loved and served for 32 years.
Simultaneously, being the one left without him, I am undone.
I feel as if at any moment, my chest will collapse from the pressure of the pain within. It is hard to breathe. It is almost impossible to move. I sleep because it is a break from the agony and my body is so tired from the trauma. When I am awake I sit dazed and torpid.
Last week the kids and I attempted to go on vacation. I made it through the first part of the trip partly because there were no memories attached to the places we visited. Then, the second part of the trip I arrived and left our destination in less than 24 hours because of the recollection of past family trips to this place. I sobbed as I drove through the town where two of our children were born. I could not contain my weeping as we drove down the island where we had vacationed several times in the past. My mind went to the streets and condos where we had stayed. I looked despairingly at the golf course where he had played a relaxing round of golf with his dad and buddies years ago. I hoped silently that we would not drive by his favorite restaurant where they dump the shrimp and craw fish boil in the middle of the table and you primitively eat with your hands. The pictures of him and his baby girls on this very beach are seared in my mind. Beautiful moments of walking hand in hand down the beach with him are paralyzing. The memories came flooding back and I began to freak out internally. I managed to get the kids to bed Sunday night and immediately ran out to my car in desperation, needing a private moment to cry and think. I decided that it was just too hard to stay.
Monday morning the kids and I packed up and drove the long, grueling eight hours home. I cried most of the way home, as I attempted to drive safely through the tears. The grief was washing over me in unstoppable waves.
I feel as though I am a wounded animal, crippling along. I am attempting to move, but the progress looks non-existent. Honestly, I don't even know what progress would look like. I don't want to remain here, but I don't want to leave. I don't want to reach a place where I am OK and able to function without Conner, yet the sobering reality of my life demands this of me.
I am tired of conversations, emails and texts about detestable subjects like head and foot stones. I am weary from concerns about my will and the welfare of my kids if something were to happen to me. I am overthrown by my new role as bill payer and the vast amount of late fees I have had to pay in the last year because I am wholly unaccustomed to it. I do not know how to lead and comfort my precious, hurting children. I feel inept in almost every aspect of my new life.
I can't seem to figure out this grief thing, as a natural-born fixer. I cannot fix it. I can do nothing about it. I drags me in, kicking and screaming, and has no concern for my unwillingness to participate. Watching helplessly as your children mourn the loss of their Daddy is nauseating and disgusting.
So utterly, I am deficient.
Yet here in this place of complete and total insufficiency, HE reminds me over and over, that HE is sufficient.
"And to keep me from being puffed up and too much elated by the exceeding greatness (preeminence) of these revelations, there was given me a thorn ([a]a splinter) in the flesh, a messenger of Satan, to rack and buffet and harass me, to keep me from being excessively exalted.
8 Three times I called upon the Lord and besought [Him] about this and begged that it might depart from me;
9 But He said to me, My grace (My favor and loving-kindness and mercy) is enough for you [sufficient against any danger and enables you to bear the trouble manfully]; for My strength and power are made perfect (fulfilled and completed) and [b]show themselves most effective in [your] weakness. Therefore, I will all the more gladly glory in my weaknesses and infirmities, that the strength and power of Christ (the Messiah) may rest (yes, may [c]pitch a tent over and dwell) upon me!
10 So for the sake of Christ, I am well pleased and take pleasure in infirmities, insults, hardships, persecutions, perplexities and distresses; for when I am weak [[d]in human strength], then am I [truly] strong (able, powerful [e]in divine strength)." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10 AMP
It is not up to me to fix this situation, for myself or the kids. The solemn fact is that there is absolutely nothing that I have found that would or will fix this situation. So I am left only with faith that HE will fix it. I am entirely reliant on HIM to come through and comfort me because no one else can even come close to comforting with any real relief.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of sympathy (pity and mercy) and the God [Who is the Source] of every comfort (consolation and encouragement)," 2 Corinthians 1:3 AMP
HE is he source of every comfort. He is the ONE that we receive comfort from, and are then empowered to give that comfort that we first received from HIM (2 Corinthians 1:4). So I am attempting to relax into knowing that there is nothing I can do, but to wait patiently for HIM to come through and provide the daily grace to make it. I am on a day to day basis, if not moment to moment. I cannot look into the future because it is a dark and scary place to go. I must only take the mercy that HE has given me for today and not worry about tomorrow (Lamentations 3:22-23 & Matthew 6:34).
HE gives my children the grace to shower love on their hurting mama. They fill the front seat of our fleeing car with reminders of their sweet love for me (a paper crown, numerous hand-made cards, and child-dreamt paper images of their Daddy). HE provides grace to our friends who have had their plans abruptly changed by me and my weakness. HE whispers encouragement meant for me to several dear friends who have no idea what I am going through at that exact moment. HE inspires John Piper to write this devotional and the Solid Joys editors to publish it on the very day that I am breaking down to my precious mother-in-love (http://solidjoys.desiringgod.org/en/devotionals/our-weakness-reveals-his-worth).
Draw me near Oh Lord. I know that You are Good. Comforter You are to me. Come and steady my heart.
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace [Who imparts all blessing and favor], Who has called you to His [own] eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground you securely, and strengthen, and settle you." 1 Peter 5:10 AMP
"However, we possess this precious treasure [the divine Light of the Gospel] in [frail, human] vessels of earth, that the grandeur and exceeding greatness of the power may be shown to be from God and not from ourselves.
8 We are hedged in (pressed) on every side [troubled and oppressed in every way], but not cramped or crushed; we suffer embarrassments and are perplexed and unable to find a way out, but not driven to despair;
9 We are pursued (persecuted and hard driven), but not deserted [to stand alone]; we are struck down to the ground, but never struck out and destroyed;
10 Always carrying about in the body the liability and exposure to the same putting to death that the Lord Jesus suffered, so that the [[a]resurrection] life of Jesus also may be shown forth by and in our bodies.
11 For we who live are constantly [experiencing] being handed over to death for Jesus’ sake, that the [[b]resurrection] life of Jesus also may be evidenced through our flesh which is liable to death.
12 Thus death is actively at work in us, but [it is in order that [c]our] life [may be actively at work] in you.
13 Yet we have the same spirit of faith as he had who wrote, I have believed, and therefore have I spoken. We too believe, and therefore we speak,
14 Assured that He Who raised up the Lord Jesus will raise us up also with Jesus and bring us [along] with you into His presence.
15 For all [these] things are [taking place] for your sake, so that the more grace (divine favor and spiritual blessing) extends to more and more people and multiplies through the many, the more thanksgiving may increase [and redound] to the glory of God.
16 Therefore we do not become discouraged (utterly spiritless, exhausted, and wearied out through fear). Though our outer man is [progressively] decaying and wasting away, yet our inner self is being [progressively] renewed day after day.
17 For our light, momentary affliction (this slight distress of the passing hour) is ever more and more abundantly preparing and producing and achieving for us an everlasting weight of glory [beyond all measure, excessively surpassing all comparisons and all calculations, a vast and transcendent glory and blessedness never to cease!],
18 Since we consider and look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen; for the things that are visible are temporal (brief and fleeting), but the things that are invisible are deathless and everlasting." 2 Corinthians 4:7-18 AMP
Comments
Thank you so much for the encouragement! HE is using HIS People in mighty ways!! Keep listening to HIS Promptings and being HIS Hands and Feet! The prayers of the righteous are powerful and produce exponentially!