Practicing HIS Truths over my feelings

Today's weather was a picture of what was going on inside me.  I have been feeling like a cloud is following me around and I cannot escape its shadow.  The depression presses on every emotion within me and I cannot escape its clutches. This morning the weather was rainy and the dark clouds covered the light of the sun.  I finished a doctor's appointment around 10:30 AM, went out to my car, sat in the parking lot and just cried.  I called my sister and shared with her the depressed state of mind I couldn't seem to get myself out of.  I told her how cruel I thought the Lord was for not stopping the accident that killed my beloved Conner.  I told her that I couldn't wrap my mind around how I would follow HIM any longer because I simply didn't understand how HE wouldn't just show up (physically) and walk with me, if HE did indeed allow Conner to die.  Where was HE in the middle of all this?  I asked the age old question today, "Where is this good...

I have been really depressed as of late.  I swing back and forth on a pendulum and it is causing disorientation.  I feel as if I can't find any sure ground to start my recovery. Everyone has gone back to normal life and I feel completely alone and unable to express how I am really doing.  Maybe this is the isolation of grief that I was warned about!?!?  For so long people would ask and sit and listen.  Now I force my grief on others whether they ask or not.  I know they care about me, but I have no one that really cares like a constant, daily, attentive companion that Conner was to me.  I know that there is probably a "big fish" aspect of Conner and our marriage now that he is gone, but I also know how cherished he made me feel.  I am lonely. I felt like I was going to boil over today so, I dropped the youngest off at Mother's Day Out and retreated to Conner's grave.  I have no idea why I feel so close to Conner here, or why the...

Loneliness consumes with a ravenous appetite The grave is settled and cold The landscape is barren and dry All has been burned to ashes Forgive me Lord for my shallow faith “I do believe, but help me overcome my unbelief!” For You delight in making all things new I surrender my doubts and fears I give You my ashes I trust You for beauty My eyes are fixed on You Deliver me Lord For You are Faithful

One of the reason's that I attempt to reveal the depths of my sorrow and struggle is because I believe that there is great danger in our cultural practice of "posting" only the things that we succeed at and want to gloat over.  There are so many, myself included, who's lives are anything but successful and note-worthy.  The danger is real because there are so many who hurt daily, if not minute by minute.  I want to share my struggle because I know without a doubt that HE is working THROUGH the struggle and more importantly, HE has never left me in this valley.  Most importantly, that HE will never leave me which is the most comforting thought I could have through the destruction.  So...for the real...For the past week or so I have been going downhill.  I have just come off of a significant and life-changing trip to Africa, and the enemy crept in and attacked full force.  I had just walked through what would have been our 11th anniversary wi...

This is a one room home for 5-6 teenage boys who have no home. It is on the same small piece of land that the church and pastor Jonathan's home are on. These boys are being taken care of by the church, but mainly by pastor Jonathan and his family. Jonathan has a wife and six children. He finds the time to minister all over Kenya, travel to the US to share his ministry with American partners, and take care of these "extra" children. This is the one and only set of bunk beds that these 5-6 teenage boys share. If there is no room, they will put a mat on the dirt floor to sleep. I cannot even tell you how truly humbling it is to see how little they have and how much they give. I was so impacted by the self-sacrificing, God's heart generosity that Jonathan and his family live out! Truly humbling and eye opening!

My oldest and I arrived in Kenya yesterday, after two days of airports and flying. So, I have to make a decision. I just didn't have the time to complete my Kenyan God story through my blog before we came. I so desperately wanted to, but will have to when I get back. ....I kindof left everyone hanging...SO sorry! ... But, that leaves me in an awkward place today because so many want to know how we are doing, and what we are doing daily here. So, my decision is to post what we are doing here now, and write the back story when I have time on the blog. So here was our Thursday, January 28th: Boarding a plane in Nairobi, on our way to kisumu. Kisumu is the town where Jonathan, the pastor I met on the plane to Nashville, lives. He will introduce us to his ministry in and around kisumu. We will meet widows and orphans who he ministers to, in hopes that we can partner together in ministry for the future.

Today will be three months since I have written a blog post.  The fall/winter is the hardest time of the year for me.  All of our birthdays (save one) are between August and December.  Throw in the anniversary of that horrible day, Thanksgiving, and Christmas and you have an intensely emotional five months.  This year was extremely hard and ridiculously weighty compared to last year.  I find myself in a grief-season of anger, which would burst at the slightest mishap.  I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, and quite frankly I didn't care, until it dawned on me that anger was part of the unpredictable cycle of grief.  The knowledge that this was part of the process helped to relieve some of the anxiety and fits of rage that I was experiencing.  I have not written because I was angry and lost and bitter and apathetic and hopeless. Then yesterday as I was in a store, in another town,...