I often have days like today when the enormity of my sorrow seems to freeze me. I am emotionless and motionless. I have no answers, or opinions, or desires (save having Conner back). I lay in a graveyard with newly placed stones to commemorate a life well-lived for the Lord's Glory. Stones that have been prayed for and prayed over. Words chosen with care and conviction. Selections with the purpose of honoring a man's life and testifying of the God he loved and served for 32 years. Simultaneously, being the one left without him, I am undone. I feel as if at any moment, my chest will collapse from the pressure of the pain within. It is hard to breathe. It is almost impossible to move. I sleep because it is a break from the agony and my body is so tired from the trauma. When I am awake I sit dazed and torpid. Last week the kids and I attempted to go on vacation. I made it through the first part of the trip partly because there were no memories attached to
The purpose of these writings is somewhat selfish, as they work therapy for my weary soul. Here is a place where I can refocus (purposefully) on HOPE and GOD'S TRUTH, over what I am feeling. Now, I don't believe that feelings are wrong; what I do believe is that feelings are great followers and unstable leaders. I pray that you might encounter The Savior who loves me, has protected and guided me through my valley of the shadow of death.