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He is a warrior who can deliver! (article written for Mom-U Corinth)

Dejected, I mumbled through tears that ran down my face leaving a briny taste in my mouth, “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”My red eyes slowly looked up to meet his tender intensity.With a gentle smile he replied, “But you are MY mess!”
His words rushed over my distressed soul and I began to feel a quietening overpowering me.No matter how messy I felt or how messy I behaved, this man loved me….ALL of me.His love meant more to me than any other person’s because he knew the dark depths of my soul.He knew the filthy places of muck and mire that the Lord had snatched me from.He knew and experienced how messy even this rescued girl could get, and he CHOSE to love me.I had never experienced such uninhibited and pure human love in my entire life.I was his no matter what I looked like.
The issue I was wrestling with that day was the unrealistic expectations that I consistently place on myself.Culture, others, and even the church influenced my perception of what I was supposed to be.All these enviro…
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Inconsolable ache

Ok, I feel like I try to be very honest about losing a spouse, grief, and single motherhood.  This is going to be a hard post to post because it touches a place in my heart I don’t really talk about much, except for those closest to me.  I am choosing to post it because I know that there is another out there who deals with the same emotions that I do and I want you to find encouragement in knowing that you are not alone.
Single parenting can feel like the loneliest place on earth.  When you gather in settings where there is supposed to be the typical nuclear family and you are alone with your crew, the forces of evil will do their very best to sideline you with feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, even shame.  Almost no single parent that I know wanted to be living the reality that they are.  
I used to have stereotypical prejudices about single parents.  Of course, they were only thoughts, because I would never have verbalized what I was thinking about “the why” they were single pare…

as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing

"as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing" 2 Corinthians 6:10
I began to teach a single mama's Bible study a couple weeks ago.  This past week we looked at the above passage from 2 Corinthians 6.  Corinthians is a letter written by the apostle Paul to the church in Corinth.  In this section of Paul's letter he is encouraging the believers in Corinth not to turn away from sound doctrine, thereby shunning God's Grace.  Paul goes on to explain the backwards life of the apostles and how there are so many paradox's in the life of the one who chooses to follow Christ.  He lists all these paradox's, including the one above.  As I read this Truth through the example of the life of the very first Christians, I am challenged and a bit taken aback. 

How can I live a life that is so filled with sorrow, yet I ALWAYS rejoice?
Well, today tested me on this very Truth.  Today was the Third Annual Conner Wilson Memorial Golf Tournament.  It was a day that was full of so much…
I honestly have a hard time sharing some of these sorrowful struggles of mine, but mostly the intimate windows into my heart.  I know if you read my blog posts, it would seem quite the contrary.  Most days I feel like Moses, bumbling over my words and telling God that there is NO way that HE has chosen the right gal to carry HIS Message!  But then HE reminds me, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes the dumb, or the deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with your mouth and will teach you what you shall say.”
‭‭(Exodus‬ ‭4:11-12‬ ‭AMP‬‬)

One thing I have learned from these past two years is this:  Grief changes you into a different person than you used to be before the loss.

Sometimes I wonder if Conner would find me remarkably different because he is the one who has missed all this change. I see such a drastic difference in my mind and heart, but I wonder how many others (if any) notice the transformation?!?!

With the ey…

Death, where is your sting?

Grief is traveling through a series of horrid emotions, brought about by situations, places, and people that were once shared with the Loved.   When tragedy strikes it's damaging blow, what follows is circumstance after seemingly never-ending circumstance that the Bereaved must trudge through, with the utterly devastating reality of the absence of the Loved.

July 23rd was one of those nights for this Bereaved.  I attended a concert with my friends, yet not one of them knew that the last time I entered this particular arena was with the Loved.  My friends and I had come to worship the Lord.  The Loved and I had come to worship the Lord only 2.5 years earlier.

Two and a half years ago I was filled with unquenchable happiness because the Loved and I were blissfully content.  On July 23rd, I was not filled with happiness.

As the songs played one after the other, I reminisced, in my own mind, how several of them had been given to me to comfort me (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) in my 2 years of…

You are God, of all else I'm letting go

My mind has been clouded with troubles and concerns that most women will never encounter.  Everything is shrouded in sorrow, and confusion reigns on the throne of my mind.  The new life that I am forced to live comes with an entirely fresh set of emotions, responsibilities, and weights that far exceed anything I have ever had to muster in the past.  At times I feel that I am spiraling out of control, on the fast-track to destruction.  Yesterday was one of those ridiculously tough days.  A day when all I could do was lay in bed and cry, and honestly that's all I did for hours.  Nothing seemed to help and no one seemed to have the power to rescue me.  I felt hopeless, desperate, and alone.  Though I have family willing and ready to help, none of that comforted me in my depressive pit, nor did I have the strength to seek out their help.

I tried vocalizing the darkness within, yet I felt no relief.  I tried worship and prayer, yet the anguish was binding.  I tried emotional release th…

Love Comes Down

Today's weather was a picture of what was going on inside me.  I have been feeling like a cloud is following me around and I cannot escape its shadow.  The depression presses on every emotion within me and I cannot escape its clutches.

This morning the weather was rainy and the dark clouds covered the light of the sun.  I finished a doctor's appointment around 10:30 AM, went out to my car, sat in the parking lot and just cried.  I called my sister and shared with her the depressed state of mind I couldn't seem to get myself out of.  I told her how cruel I thought the Lord was for not stopping the accident that killed my beloved Conner.  I told her that I couldn't wrap my mind around how I would follow HIM any longer because I simply didn't understand how HE wouldn't just show up (physically) and walk with me, if HE did indeed allow Conner to die.  Where was HE in the middle of all this?  I asked the age old question today, "Where is this good God in the m…