I have been really depressed as of late. I swing back and forth on a pendulum and it is causing disorientation. I feel as if I can't find any sure ground to start my recovery. Everyone has gone back to normal life and I feel completely alone and unable to express how I am really doing. Maybe this is the isolation of grief that I was warned about!?!? For so long people would ask and sit and listen. Now I force my grief on others whether they ask or not. I know they care about me, but I have no one that really cares like a constant, daily, attentive companion that Conner was to me. I know that there is probably a "big fish" aspect of Conner and our marriage now that he is gone, but I also know how cherished he made me feel. I am lonely. I felt like I was going to boil over today so, I dropped the youngest off at Mother's Day Out and retreated to Conner's grave. I have no idea why I feel so close to Conner here, or why the Lord speaks so clearly to me he
The purpose of these writings is somewhat selfish, as they work therapy for my weary soul. Here is a place where I can refocus (purposefully) on HOPE and GOD'S TRUTH, over what I am feeling. Now, I don't believe that feelings are wrong; what I do believe is that feelings are great followers and unstable leaders. I pray that you might encounter The Savior who loves me, has protected and guided me through my valley of the shadow of death.