My mind has been clouded with troubles and concerns that most women will never encounter. Everything is shrouded in sorrow, and confusion reigns on the throne of my mind. The new life that I am forced to live comes with an entirely fresh set of emotions, responsibilities, and weights that far exceed anything I have ever had to muster in the past. At times I feel that I am spiraling out of control, on the fast-track to destruction. Yesterday was one of those ridiculously tough days. A day when all I could do was lay in bed and cry, and honestly that's all I did for hours. Nothing seemed to help and no one seemed to have the power to rescue me. I felt hopeless, desperate, and alone. Though I have family willing and ready to help, none of that comforted me in my depressive pit, nor did I have the strength to seek out their help.
I tried vocalizing the darkness within, yet I felt no relief. I tried worship and prayer, yet the anguish was binding. I tried emotional release through a blubbery waterfall, yet the sorrow was irrevocable.
***
During worship today at church, we were signing Hillsong's "Forever Reign." I closed my eyes, opened my hands, and I can admit that my heart was desperate for an encounter with HIM. I was desperate for my Savior to save me. I sang the familiar words, yet my struggle the day before tempted me not to fully believe what I was proclaiming corporately.
I openly admitted that:
"Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace"
I was begging the Lord to find my heart that was so deeply buried in a pile of grief-stricken rubble. I began praying: "Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart;
Test me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way." (Psalm 139:23-24 AMP)
And then, the figurative clouds parted in my mind as I sang:
"You are God
You are God
Of all else I'm letting"
Akin to the climax of good-versus-evil movie, the Light of HIS Truth shown on the darkness of evil feelings that had enslaved my heart. HE met me right where I was. HE spoke Truth over the lies that produced the feelings of despair that I was grappling with. I had asked for HIS Presence in my darkness. And HE reminded me that HE will NEVER fail me nor abandon me (Deuteronomy 31:6, 8; Hebrews 13:5; Joshua 1:9; Isaiah 41:10-13; Matthew 28:20; 1 Chronicles 28:20; Psalm 73:23-26).
In a quiet moment of worship, HE released me from my bonds.
What did I have to worry about?
HE is GOD!
What use were my troubling thoughts?
HE is GOD!
Of all else I'm letting go!
I submitted in that moment my anxiety and sorrow. I understood that I had not the strength to carry these heavy weights, but HE did. I relinquished my cares to HIM and felt the wave of HIS Clemency alleviate my burden.
I waited with great expectation on the Lord. I cried out for HIS Mercy. I knew that the only hope I had in my dark valley was the Protection and Guidance of my God (Psalm 23).
I walked away from worship unbound, as HIS Truth was revealed to me (Galatians 5:1). My heart was overwhelmed with gratitude that HE had met me in the deep need of my heart where no one else could help me (Psalm 69 AMP). I departed out of the weighty darkness of my feelings, into the radiant Light of HIS Truth (Colossians 1:13). I contemplated HIS amazing Righteousness (2 Corinthians 3:18). I am profoundly grateful for HIS remarkable deliverance.
"But as for me, I will look expectantly for the Lord and with confidence in Him I will keep watch; I will wait [with confident expectation] for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me [amid my tragedies], O my enemy! Though I fall, I will rise; Though I sit in the darkness [of distress], the Lord is a light for me. I will bear the indignation and wrath of the Lord. Because I have sinned against Him, Until He pleads my case and executes judgment for me. He will bring me out to the light, And I will behold His [amazing] righteousness and His remarkable deliverance." Micah 7:7-9 AMP
AMEN (So be it)!
I tried vocalizing the darkness within, yet I felt no relief. I tried worship and prayer, yet the anguish was binding. I tried emotional release through a blubbery waterfall, yet the sorrow was irrevocable.
***
During worship today at church, we were signing Hillsong's "Forever Reign." I closed my eyes, opened my hands, and I can admit that my heart was desperate for an encounter with HIM. I was desperate for my Savior to save me. I sang the familiar words, yet my struggle the day before tempted me not to fully believe what I was proclaiming corporately.
I openly admitted that:
"Oh, I'm running to Your arms
I'm running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace"
I was begging the Lord to find my heart that was so deeply buried in a pile of grief-stricken rubble. I began praying: "Search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart;
Test me and know my anxious thoughts;
And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way." (Psalm 139:23-24 AMP)
And then, the figurative clouds parted in my mind as I sang:
"You are God
You are God
Of all else I'm letting"
Akin to the climax of good-versus-evil movie, the Light of HIS Truth shown on the darkness of evil feelings that had enslaved my heart. HE met me right where I was. HE spoke Truth over the lies that produced the feelings of despair that I was grappling with. I had asked for HIS Presence in my darkness. And HE reminded me that HE will NEVER fail me nor abandon me (Deuteronomy 31:6, 8; Hebrews 13:5; Joshua 1:9; Isaiah 41:10-13; Matthew 28:20; 1 Chronicles 28:20; Psalm 73:23-26).
In a quiet moment of worship, HE released me from my bonds.
What did I have to worry about?
HE is GOD!
What use were my troubling thoughts?
HE is GOD!
Of all else I'm letting go!
I submitted in that moment my anxiety and sorrow. I understood that I had not the strength to carry these heavy weights, but HE did. I relinquished my cares to HIM and felt the wave of HIS Clemency alleviate my burden.
I waited with great expectation on the Lord. I cried out for HIS Mercy. I knew that the only hope I had in my dark valley was the Protection and Guidance of my God (Psalm 23).
I walked away from worship unbound, as HIS Truth was revealed to me (Galatians 5:1). My heart was overwhelmed with gratitude that HE had met me in the deep need of my heart where no one else could help me (Psalm 69 AMP). I departed out of the weighty darkness of my feelings, into the radiant Light of HIS Truth (Colossians 1:13). I contemplated HIS amazing Righteousness (2 Corinthians 3:18). I am profoundly grateful for HIS remarkable deliverance.
"But as for me, I will look expectantly for the Lord and with confidence in Him I will keep watch; I will wait [with confident expectation] for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me [amid my tragedies], O my enemy! Though I fall, I will rise; Though I sit in the darkness [of distress], the Lord is a light for me. I will bear the indignation and wrath of the Lord. Because I have sinned against Him, Until He pleads my case and executes judgment for me. He will bring me out to the light, And I will behold His [amazing] righteousness and His remarkable deliverance." Micah 7:7-9 AMP
AMEN (So be it)!
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