This morning the weather was rainy and the dark clouds covered the light of the sun. I finished a doctor's appointment around 10:30 AM, went out to my car, sat in the parking lot and just cried. I called my sister and shared with her the depressed state of mind I couldn't seem to get myself out of. I told her how cruel I thought the Lord was for not stopping the accident that killed my beloved Conner. I told her that I couldn't wrap my mind around how I would follow HIM any longer because I simply didn't understand how HE wouldn't just show up (physically) and walk with me, if HE did indeed allow Conner to die. Where was HE in the middle of all this? I asked the age old question today, "Where is this good God in the midst of such a suffering world?"
She began to console me with platitudes like, "You know that those are all just lies from the devil....." I listened but felt completely unmoved. She apologized for trying to fix it, if I had just wanted her to listen. I conceded that it was what I needed to hear, but we have had this very same conversation 100's, maybe 1,000's of times since August 12, 2014. I have doubted and interrogated the Lord countless times, and she has comforted with the same jargon time and again.
And though we have been on the very same ride for past 20 months, I find myself stuck again, today.
I can now see the life-sucking power of depression and sorrow and grief. I now understand what so many people walk through. I comprehend how lonely they become because quite frankly, it is sacrificial love to continue with a person who can't seem to get it together.
But here she remains. Such sacrificial love for me, her big sister. She never tires of my rants. She answers my calls time and time again. She takes care of my kids when I can't. She gives and gives and gives. She has chosen to walk the LONG and dark road of grief and depression with me, holding my hand and cheering me along. And that is a gift!! A true, love gift!
I drive home and just sit in my sorrow. I sit in my green chair, so many times in wordless sorrow. I sit in this same chair that used to be his chair. What else do I have to do but sit in misery? I cannot move.
A couple of hours after that call, Chelsi texts me as I am just sitting. Her text explains to me that she just received a random text from her friend Lauren. Lauren (who I don't know) lost her seven month old child and her father in a car accident a few years ago. My little sister's friend (who I don't know, once again), texts her this to share with me:
"She may already know it but either way I felt the nudge to tell u to tell her to listen- By: Kerrie Roberts-'when love comes down'"
I listen to the song and the tears stream down my face. I immediately text my sister and ask her if she told her friend that I was having a hard time today. Chelsi has told her nothing of my struggle today. Lauren knows that Conner died 20 months ago, leaving me and our four babies behind, but that is all.
Now, if you can try to grasp where my heart and mind were at the beginning of the day today. If you can fathom the agony of my heart. And you listen to this song sent to me by a complete stranger, from a "nudge" that she felt to share with me. You can understand how thoroughly "seen" by HIM I felt in that moment. I sat in my sorrow and wept because I knew HE wanted me to be COMPLETELY aware that HE saw me, my tears, my distress and that HE saw my heart. HE wanted me to know that I was loved. HE wanted me to know that HE was walking with me!
So I will resolve to wait on the proverbial cloud to pass, as the literal ones did today. I will allow HIM to give me hope of HIS Rescue. I will wait for HIS Son to shine through my dark clouds. Like the psalmist proclaimed, that though I experience this pain and anguish, YOU have rescued me before and I will wait for YOU to rescue me again (Psalm 71).
“But I will hope continually and will praise You more and more.”
Psalms 71:14 HCSB