As I sit in my bedroom floor, here at 9:30 PM, writing this blog post, I am so deeply saddened to be here alone. I honestly do not have the words to describe my feelings for my husband and the hole that I now have in my soul because of his absence. He was the greatest man that I have ever known. He was used by God to usher me into a deep relationship with the Lord and I do not know how I can possibly spend the rest of my life without him. With all that said, I know in the deepest part of my soul that God will carry me the rest of my days.
I did not start out with great security in my spiritual life that I have today. You see, I used to (and am sure I still do) have some really messed up views of God and who He is. As I look back over the past 10 years of my life I can see God's Hand at work, many times through Conner, to right my wrong assumptions of who He was. Hurt, fear and pain can work overtime to thwart our views of God. If we are not careful to seek Truth when our feelings scream to rule the day, then we will end up with a false view of God. When our view of God is incorrect, we then begin to act out of ignorance and fall down the slippery slope of the devil's cunning plans. This is the story of my life for many, many years until I truly began to seek and obey God for MYSELF.
"But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides." Matthew 6:33. I was walking through my life, with a messed up view of God and His intentions toward me. I honestly believe that God gave me Conner to display a correct view of Himself. Conner was the most godly man I have ever met. When you live with someone for any period of time, you quickly get to see a side of them that most people are not acquainted with (sometimes good, and sometimes bad). I walked through our years together, so many times shocked at Conner's love for the Lord and love for others. Conner's love for me was remarkable. I have never been loved by someone (who knew me wholly) with such a pure, Christ-like love.
I believe that God uses many different methods to get our attention, and to gently lead us back to the perfect will He had planned for us from day one. One of the methods God used on me was a godly man to direct my attention to Him. I don't know if early in our marriage I was in the place to truly pick up the Word and grasp who God was. So, God placed this husband in my life to live his life out in front of me, as I studied and learn from him. Many times the grace, love and mercy were not directed at others as much as they were directed at me. I remember receiving forgiveness from Conner for many years of deceit that I had brought into our marriage. As we lay there weeping together after I confessed my sin to him I asked him, "How are you doing this?" (Meaning, "How are you forgiving me and not walking out the door?") His reply to me was, "It's not me."
I froze, with this moment forever etched into my mine because I realized at this point that God was working THROUGH Conner to love on me and shower me with His Grace. Conner did not, and could not have had that amount of love and grace stored up in his man body. Through the action of submitting his life to the Lord, God supplied all Conner needed for forgiveness, love, grace, mercy and restoration of our marriage. I began to see God in a new light because of Conner's example, and through the conduit of a believer. "And [so that you can know and understand] what is the IMMEASURABLE and UNLIMITED and SURPASSING GREATNESS of His POWER IN and FOR US who believe, as demonstrated in the working of His mighty strength," Ephesians 1:19.
Now, before I lose 90 % of you for thinking I am sugar-coating who Conner was because of the situation at hand, let me enlighten you. Conner was not perfect. That is why I call him my King David. As many of you know, King David had some major mess ups and major failures in his life. Yet, as we find in Acts 13:22, Luke describes King David as "a man after God's own heart, who will do all My will and carry out My program fully." Isn't that quite strange to find an adulterer and a murderer described as "a man after God's own heart, who will do all My will"? But when I look back over the life of David I now know that most of us (most definitely me) fall into a David-magnitude of sin category. Most of us have had such major failures in our lives that weigh on us and drag us down, when left undealt with. When you read Psalm 51 you can feel the pain and weight of David's sin flowing from the pages of Scripture.
My precious husband was like Kind David. When he messed up and failed before the Lord, I witnessed first-hand the anguish in his lamenting soul. I make this point because not one of us is perfect. We are all in need of grace (me most of all). To experience such an intimate relationship with such a godly man has forever changed the course of my life. He would cry out to the Lord for forgiveness and make all attempts to right his wrong with others. I have watched him face-first in our bedroom floor in tears, praying to our God to forgive him and restore him to the joy of his salvation.
That is the kind of man I was married to! A man who is the manliest of men that I know, yet has a tender heart for his Savior. A man who walks upright with the Lord. A man whose "delight and desire are in the law of the Lord, and on His law (the precepts, the instructions, the teachings of God) he habitually meditates (ponders and studies) by day and by night. And he shall be like a tree firmly planted [and tended] by the streams of water, ready to bring forth its fruit in its season; its leaf also shall not fade or wither; and everything he does shall prosper [and come to maturity]." Psalm 1:2-3.
Not only was I married to that kind of man and had the AMAZING blessing of experiencing that for the best (almost) ten years of my life, but I want to be that kind of Christ-follower. I want others to see Christ in me. I want to shine Christ's Light so bright that people stop and wonder what it is about me that draws them in. I want to truly throw "self" off. I want to be a hilarious giver. I want what Conner had!
I have watched him father our children and it has caused me to be a better mother. I have watched him give unselfishly and without recognition and it has caused me to let loose my grip on money and things. I have been taught by his selflessness how to seek forgiveness, even and especially when it seemed unfair. I have witnessed his passion and drive in life to dream God-sized dreams, all with an open hand to God's Will and God's Timing. His love and kindness toward me transformed my insecurities, and I now walk with more confidence of who I am in Christ and Whose I am. Conner's plea to the Lord to "search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139:23) spurred me on to seek the same thing in my relationship with the Lord. Conner's patience calmed my high-strung tendencies. Conner's love shadowed a greater Love that my heart had been searching for.
If I have failed to make the point thus far, I will try to be plain and to the point. The attraction to Conner flowed from a deep desire put in my soul by my Creator, a desire for a Love that never fails. The only Love that never fails, that I know of, is from the only One, Christ, who never fails me. Conner walked a godly life for the purpose of drawing others to His Savior. He was not perfect, but even through his imperfection he pointed me and hopefully others to the One True God, who is the only perfect being.
In the past 56 days if I have learned anything, it would be that today is a gift because tomorrow is not promised. I now have an urgency about eternity. When your husband goes to work one day and doesn't come home, your perspective on life RADICALLY changes. I pray that you will allow me to plead with you about the things that truly matter. That you will pause long enough to evaluate your current focus and quite possibly a better focus that Christ has planned for you.
Do you know without one single doubt in your mind where you will spend all of eternity?
If you are positive you are headed to meet up with Conner some day, what are you doing now to bring others with you?
What kind of life are you living and what kind of legacy are you leaving? Remember, we take nothing with us. We only are allowed to store up eternal treasures (Matthew 6:19-20).
Are you truly seeking the Lord for yourself? Are you relying on others information and expertise in the most intimate relationship you could have of all your life, or are you seeking Him intimately for yourself?
I beg you to give ALL that you have to Christ and trust Him with the results. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Hebrews 11. Many names and stories are given of people who had extreme faith in God and His plan for their lives. Through their faith, God worked countless miracles, many that we are still telling our children about thousands of years later. And immediately following this 40 verse dissertation we read, "Therefore then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us, Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]." Hebrews 12:1-2a.
Conner ran his race with patient endurance and steady and active persistence, fixing his eyes on Jesus-the prize. I PRAY THAT YOU AND I WOULD BE FOUND FAITHFUL! What great miracles we and those seeking, could witness with this kind of faith!
With great pain and great love,
Kristin
I did not start out with great security in my spiritual life that I have today. You see, I used to (and am sure I still do) have some really messed up views of God and who He is. As I look back over the past 10 years of my life I can see God's Hand at work, many times through Conner, to right my wrong assumptions of who He was. Hurt, fear and pain can work overtime to thwart our views of God. If we are not careful to seek Truth when our feelings scream to rule the day, then we will end up with a false view of God. When our view of God is incorrect, we then begin to act out of ignorance and fall down the slippery slope of the devil's cunning plans. This is the story of my life for many, many years until I truly began to seek and obey God for MYSELF.
"But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides." Matthew 6:33. I was walking through my life, with a messed up view of God and His intentions toward me. I honestly believe that God gave me Conner to display a correct view of Himself. Conner was the most godly man I have ever met. When you live with someone for any period of time, you quickly get to see a side of them that most people are not acquainted with (sometimes good, and sometimes bad). I walked through our years together, so many times shocked at Conner's love for the Lord and love for others. Conner's love for me was remarkable. I have never been loved by someone (who knew me wholly) with such a pure, Christ-like love.
I believe that God uses many different methods to get our attention, and to gently lead us back to the perfect will He had planned for us from day one. One of the methods God used on me was a godly man to direct my attention to Him. I don't know if early in our marriage I was in the place to truly pick up the Word and grasp who God was. So, God placed this husband in my life to live his life out in front of me, as I studied and learn from him. Many times the grace, love and mercy were not directed at others as much as they were directed at me. I remember receiving forgiveness from Conner for many years of deceit that I had brought into our marriage. As we lay there weeping together after I confessed my sin to him I asked him, "How are you doing this?" (Meaning, "How are you forgiving me and not walking out the door?") His reply to me was, "It's not me."
I froze, with this moment forever etched into my mine because I realized at this point that God was working THROUGH Conner to love on me and shower me with His Grace. Conner did not, and could not have had that amount of love and grace stored up in his man body. Through the action of submitting his life to the Lord, God supplied all Conner needed for forgiveness, love, grace, mercy and restoration of our marriage. I began to see God in a new light because of Conner's example, and through the conduit of a believer. "And [so that you can know and understand] what is the IMMEASURABLE and UNLIMITED and SURPASSING GREATNESS of His POWER IN and FOR US who believe, as demonstrated in the working of His mighty strength," Ephesians 1:19.
Now, before I lose 90 % of you for thinking I am sugar-coating who Conner was because of the situation at hand, let me enlighten you. Conner was not perfect. That is why I call him my King David. As many of you know, King David had some major mess ups and major failures in his life. Yet, as we find in Acts 13:22, Luke describes King David as "a man after God's own heart, who will do all My will and carry out My program fully." Isn't that quite strange to find an adulterer and a murderer described as "a man after God's own heart, who will do all My will"? But when I look back over the life of David I now know that most of us (most definitely me) fall into a David-magnitude of sin category. Most of us have had such major failures in our lives that weigh on us and drag us down, when left undealt with. When you read Psalm 51 you can feel the pain and weight of David's sin flowing from the pages of Scripture.
My precious husband was like Kind David. When he messed up and failed before the Lord, I witnessed first-hand the anguish in his lamenting soul. I make this point because not one of us is perfect. We are all in need of grace (me most of all). To experience such an intimate relationship with such a godly man has forever changed the course of my life. He would cry out to the Lord for forgiveness and make all attempts to right his wrong with others. I have watched him face-first in our bedroom floor in tears, praying to our God to forgive him and restore him to the joy of his salvation.
That is the kind of man I was married to! A man who is the manliest of men that I know, yet has a tender heart for his Savior. A man who walks upright with the Lord. A man whose "delight and desire are in the law of the Lord, and on His law (the precepts, the instructions, the teachings of God) he habitually meditates (ponders and studies) by day and by night. And he shall be like a tree firmly planted [and tended] by the streams of water, ready to bring forth its fruit in its season; its leaf also shall not fade or wither; and everything he does shall prosper [and come to maturity]." Psalm 1:2-3.
Not only was I married to that kind of man and had the AMAZING blessing of experiencing that for the best (almost) ten years of my life, but I want to be that kind of Christ-follower. I want others to see Christ in me. I want to shine Christ's Light so bright that people stop and wonder what it is about me that draws them in. I want to truly throw "self" off. I want to be a hilarious giver. I want what Conner had!
I have watched him father our children and it has caused me to be a better mother. I have watched him give unselfishly and without recognition and it has caused me to let loose my grip on money and things. I have been taught by his selflessness how to seek forgiveness, even and especially when it seemed unfair. I have witnessed his passion and drive in life to dream God-sized dreams, all with an open hand to God's Will and God's Timing. His love and kindness toward me transformed my insecurities, and I now walk with more confidence of who I am in Christ and Whose I am. Conner's plea to the Lord to "search me [thoroughly], O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there is any wicked or hurtful way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139:23) spurred me on to seek the same thing in my relationship with the Lord. Conner's patience calmed my high-strung tendencies. Conner's love shadowed a greater Love that my heart had been searching for.
If I have failed to make the point thus far, I will try to be plain and to the point. The attraction to Conner flowed from a deep desire put in my soul by my Creator, a desire for a Love that never fails. The only Love that never fails, that I know of, is from the only One, Christ, who never fails me. Conner walked a godly life for the purpose of drawing others to His Savior. He was not perfect, but even through his imperfection he pointed me and hopefully others to the One True God, who is the only perfect being.
In the past 56 days if I have learned anything, it would be that today is a gift because tomorrow is not promised. I now have an urgency about eternity. When your husband goes to work one day and doesn't come home, your perspective on life RADICALLY changes. I pray that you will allow me to plead with you about the things that truly matter. That you will pause long enough to evaluate your current focus and quite possibly a better focus that Christ has planned for you.
Do you know without one single doubt in your mind where you will spend all of eternity?
If you are positive you are headed to meet up with Conner some day, what are you doing now to bring others with you?
What kind of life are you living and what kind of legacy are you leaving? Remember, we take nothing with us. We only are allowed to store up eternal treasures (Matthew 6:19-20).
Are you truly seeking the Lord for yourself? Are you relying on others information and expertise in the most intimate relationship you could have of all your life, or are you seeking Him intimately for yourself?
I beg you to give ALL that you have to Christ and trust Him with the results. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Hebrews 11. Many names and stories are given of people who had extreme faith in God and His plan for their lives. Through their faith, God worked countless miracles, many that we are still telling our children about thousands of years later. And immediately following this 40 verse dissertation we read, "Therefore then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us, Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]." Hebrews 12:1-2a.
Conner ran his race with patient endurance and steady and active persistence, fixing his eyes on Jesus-the prize. I PRAY THAT YOU AND I WOULD BE FOUND FAITHFUL! What great miracles we and those seeking, could witness with this kind of faith!
With great pain and great love,
Kristin
Comments
You have so been on my heart these past couple of months. My heart broke for you and your children... and now, even through this very dark time for you, your words are so encouraging to me. Thank you for sharing this.