The sorrow from my loss has overwhelmed my soul, these past seven weeks. At times I see hope for my families' future, then without warning hopelessness floods my soul. The exhaustion that comes from my daily emotional roller coaster wipes me out. At the end of the day (and at times throughout the day), I usually have very little to offer to anyone. I wonder if my children will be able to make it through this without being messed up for the rest of their lives. I wonder if I will ever be able to be happy again. I beg the Lord to return now, to cause the unbearable pain to stop. The silence is deafening. The loneliness is dark. The questions hover between me and my Maker.
And yet, at the same time in a strange coupling, I experience joy (not happiness but God-induced, eternal joy). The kindness, generosity, and love from the Body of Christ have engulfed me and given me comfort. I have passed in and out of hope and hopelessness through this indescribable process. But when I experience believers, who have the hope of Christ living in their hearts, being His Hands and Feet to bring me hope, I am inundated. My precious friend, Audra, informed me one day that she was my hope-bearer. I cannot begin to describe the peace this brought to my heart, to truly ponder the Body and it's functions, as it relates to each other. To know that I am not only surrounded by such a great cloud of Heavenly witnesses to His Truth, but also that the Body was placed here, in my life for such a time as this. HE knew this was coming and HE directed Conner's and my path to a place and to people that would escort my attention to Truth. I could not be more grateful to HIM and to many of you for this specific blessing!
This experience reminded me about the Scripture in Exodus 17:8-16, where Moses stood on the hill over a battle between the Israelites and Amalekites. He held the staff of God in his hand, raised in intercession to the Lord for Joshua and the Israelite army. After some time, his arms grew tired and when he lowed them for reprieve, the Amalekites began to overtake Israel. Aaron, Moses brother and Hur, possibly Moses brother-in-law, witnessed the direct connection between Moses crying out to the Lord and the Israelites prevailing. Aaron and Hur jumped into action, placing a rock under Moses to sit on and stepped in to physically hold Moses arms up, one on each side.
[ Then came Amalek [descendants of Esau] and fought with Israel at Rephidim.
I can see myself as Joshua, the warrior. Right now I am in the greatest battle of my life. I am on the battlefield, fighting the enemy with everything I have in me. I am looking up the hillside for those hope-bearers that the Lord has appointed as intercessors and encouragers for me and my family. I am searching the hillside for a sign of Hope. I find great comfort in knowing that they have been placed there for me, to fight a spiritual battle that I cannot wage on my own. When their arms fail, from the weariness of the spiritual battle, I can see the enemy overtaking me. I can feel the power that is behind the enemies army, with it's fear, lies, and brutal attacks. I thank the Lord that these intercessors are there on my behalf, standing strong through this spiritual battle. I thank Him that I have one very important prayer warrior who is interceding, as he walks and talks daily with Jesus Himself for his earthly wife and children. I can only imagine the conversations that Conner is having with the Lord, concerning our eternal impact and his children's eternal security.
TRUTH: Christ is the Ultimate Warrior, who fought for my salvation, and fights for my sanctification as long as I am walking this earth. He fights for me!
I also see myself as Moses, the intercessor. My job, as Mom, is to intercede for my precious, God-given children. I also feel a great responsibility to intercede for those in my sphere of influence that the Lord has given me. So, here I am on the hillside, watching a battle being fought and knowing that my spiritual vigor is truly essential to the eternal victory. I am weary. My arms have given out, and yet the Lord provides again. He has placed hope-bearers in my life to push a rock under me for rest, and commit to hold my arms up when I cannot. I am truly in awe of this Body that I have read about for so many years, and thought that I had a grasp on. I weep at the overwhelming provision through His Church. These hope-bearers have stepped up to the plate to provide for us here on earth, and climbed the hillside to call out to our Lord for eternal things. My soul is overwhelmed with a strange sort of joy. "It is here the praying legion that proves the thundering legion" (Matthew Henry).
TRUTH: The Holy Spirit is my Ultimate Intercessor who supernaturally intercedes in ways too awesome for me to imagine (In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. Romans 8:26-27)!
And WHEN the Lord was victorious over Amalek, He says to Moses, "Write this for a memorial, in the book and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua, that I will utterly blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under the heavens." Here we have the first command to write in Scripture. Moses was to wash Joshua with Truth of God's Promises, so that he would pass it on to the generations to come. These future generations had the opportunity to believe God's Promises and to look with anticipation to them being fulfilled. I have that same opportunity! I have these Promises in Scripture and the fulfillment of many of them, so that I can daily choose faith in His Sovereignty and hope in God's Eternal Plan. It would be wise for me, as a believer, to write down and rehearse God's goodness to me personally, so that I am able to translate it to the next generation, my children. I would also be extremely wise to hide His Holy Word in my heart so that I can live in Truth and pass that Truth on, especially when the storms of life hit and Truth is hard to grasp.
My faith is exponentially grown when I meditate on what the Lord has done for me and His People, and when I purposefully create monuments of His goodness to me. In Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, I learned to look for things to be grateful to the Lord for. I can, in all honesty, say that this practice is life-giving to me through the chaos of my "new normal." It is a process of choosing hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. I am fixing my eyes on Him.
TRUTH: The Lord is my banner. He is the One who fights for me. He is the Ultimate Victor in this eternal war. He is my Intercessor, who intercedes for me when I do not even know what to pray for.
And yet, at the same time in a strange coupling, I experience joy (not happiness but God-induced, eternal joy). The kindness, generosity, and love from the Body of Christ have engulfed me and given me comfort. I have passed in and out of hope and hopelessness through this indescribable process. But when I experience believers, who have the hope of Christ living in their hearts, being His Hands and Feet to bring me hope, I am inundated. My precious friend, Audra, informed me one day that she was my hope-bearer. I cannot begin to describe the peace this brought to my heart, to truly ponder the Body and it's functions, as it relates to each other. To know that I am not only surrounded by such a great cloud of Heavenly witnesses to His Truth, but also that the Body was placed here, in my life for such a time as this. HE knew this was coming and HE directed Conner's and my path to a place and to people that would escort my attention to Truth. I could not be more grateful to HIM and to many of you for this specific blessing!
This experience reminded me about the Scripture in Exodus 17:8-16, where Moses stood on the hill over a battle between the Israelites and Amalekites. He held the staff of God in his hand, raised in intercession to the Lord for Joshua and the Israelite army. After some time, his arms grew tired and when he lowed them for reprieve, the Amalekites began to overtake Israel. Aaron, Moses brother and Hur, possibly Moses brother-in-law, witnessed the direct connection between Moses crying out to the Lord and the Israelites prevailing. Aaron and Hur jumped into action, placing a rock under Moses to sit on and stepped in to physically hold Moses arms up, one on each side.
[ Then came Amalek [descendants of Esau] and fought with Israel at Rephidim.
9 And Moses said to Joshua, Choose us out men and go out, fight with Amalek. Tomorrow I will stand on the top of the hill with the rod of God in my hand.
10 So Joshua did as Moses said and fought with Amalek; and Moses, Aaron, and Hur went up to the hilltop.
11 When Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed; and when he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed.
12 But Moses’ hands were heavy and grew weary. So [the other men] took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Then Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side and one on the other side; so his hands were steady until the going down of the sun.
13 And Joshua mowed down and disabled Amalek and his people with the sword.
14 And the Lord said to Moses, Write this for a memorial in the book and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua, that I will utterly blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under the heavens.
15 And Moses built an altar and called the name of it, The Lord is my Banner;
16 And he said, Because [theirs] is a hand against the throne of the Lord, the Lord will have war with Amalek from generation to generation.] Exodus 17:8-16
I can see myself as Joshua, the warrior. Right now I am in the greatest battle of my life. I am on the battlefield, fighting the enemy with everything I have in me. I am looking up the hillside for those hope-bearers that the Lord has appointed as intercessors and encouragers for me and my family. I am searching the hillside for a sign of Hope. I find great comfort in knowing that they have been placed there for me, to fight a spiritual battle that I cannot wage on my own. When their arms fail, from the weariness of the spiritual battle, I can see the enemy overtaking me. I can feel the power that is behind the enemies army, with it's fear, lies, and brutal attacks. I thank the Lord that these intercessors are there on my behalf, standing strong through this spiritual battle. I thank Him that I have one very important prayer warrior who is interceding, as he walks and talks daily with Jesus Himself for his earthly wife and children. I can only imagine the conversations that Conner is having with the Lord, concerning our eternal impact and his children's eternal security.
TRUTH: Christ is the Ultimate Warrior, who fought for my salvation, and fights for my sanctification as long as I am walking this earth. He fights for me!
I also see myself as Moses, the intercessor. My job, as Mom, is to intercede for my precious, God-given children. I also feel a great responsibility to intercede for those in my sphere of influence that the Lord has given me. So, here I am on the hillside, watching a battle being fought and knowing that my spiritual vigor is truly essential to the eternal victory. I am weary. My arms have given out, and yet the Lord provides again. He has placed hope-bearers in my life to push a rock under me for rest, and commit to hold my arms up when I cannot. I am truly in awe of this Body that I have read about for so many years, and thought that I had a grasp on. I weep at the overwhelming provision through His Church. These hope-bearers have stepped up to the plate to provide for us here on earth, and climbed the hillside to call out to our Lord for eternal things. My soul is overwhelmed with a strange sort of joy. "It is here the praying legion that proves the thundering legion" (Matthew Henry).
TRUTH: The Holy Spirit is my Ultimate Intercessor who supernaturally intercedes in ways too awesome for me to imagine (In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. Romans 8:26-27)!
And WHEN the Lord was victorious over Amalek, He says to Moses, "Write this for a memorial, in the book and rehearse it in the ears of Joshua, that I will utterly blot out the remembrance of Amalek from under the heavens." Here we have the first command to write in Scripture. Moses was to wash Joshua with Truth of God's Promises, so that he would pass it on to the generations to come. These future generations had the opportunity to believe God's Promises and to look with anticipation to them being fulfilled. I have that same opportunity! I have these Promises in Scripture and the fulfillment of many of them, so that I can daily choose faith in His Sovereignty and hope in God's Eternal Plan. It would be wise for me, as a believer, to write down and rehearse God's goodness to me personally, so that I am able to translate it to the next generation, my children. I would also be extremely wise to hide His Holy Word in my heart so that I can live in Truth and pass that Truth on, especially when the storms of life hit and Truth is hard to grasp.
My faith is exponentially grown when I meditate on what the Lord has done for me and His People, and when I purposefully create monuments of His goodness to me. In Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts, I learned to look for things to be grateful to the Lord for. I can, in all honesty, say that this practice is life-giving to me through the chaos of my "new normal." It is a process of choosing hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. I am fixing my eyes on Him.
TRUTH: The Lord is my banner. He is the One who fights for me. He is the Ultimate Victor in this eternal war. He is my Intercessor, who intercedes for me when I do not even know what to pray for.
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