What do you do when you don't want to join in on celebrating "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year" because for you, you are walking through the most horrible loss in your life?
How are you supposed to stomach the Christmas cards that arrive in your mailbox everyday with smiling, kissing, happy, whole families pictured? The ones with the husband embracing his wife? The ones where his babies are perched happily on his lap? The ones that constantly remind you of the chasm that has been gouged out of your soul-that hole that reminds you of how sick and sad and suffering this world truly is.
Where do you put those feelings that arise when you tell your daughter to go change into the clothes she wants to wear after school and she returns to you, wearing her "Watch Dog Dad" shirt. That shirt that is such a prestigious mark for any kindergartner whose Daddy is serving in the school for the day. That shirt that they both had and both wore, so they could be twinkies-set apart for a day. The shirt that immediately sends your mind to that picture in the school hallway last year where he is squatting down, holding his daughters on his lap in sheer Daddy pride.
How do you survive the nights when your son cries out for his Daddy and all you can do is sink to the floor in desperation? When the only reaction that you have is a deep echoing of his sorrow and pain? When your tears cover his back as you weep over him, and with him with no adequate, healing words to offer his breaking heart?
What do you do when you don't want to go to the Christmas tree farm this year because you would rather chew glass than see another man cut down your Christmas tree for your kids? When you could care less about decorating, Christmas parties, or buying gifts? When you just don't feel like celebrating.
How do you keep going when you have been forced to celebrate so much in such a short period of time (both your sons birthdays, your birthday, his birthday, Thanksgiving, with your daughter's birthday in a week and a half, and Christmas immediately following that)? How much celebrating can you be forced to do? How do you endure such mixed emotions in a short period of time?
How do you overcome your disdain for men that you come in contact with because they live and act against you in stark contrast to the man that has taken care of you for the past ten years? When their greed, insensitivity, and cowardly acts make your stomach churn. When you long for the past when you walked daily with that man-the one that had integrity, sensitivity, love, generosity, bravery, kindness, and patience in supernatural abundance. When you knew what a godly man truly was because you slept next to him each night.
My only plea is:
"MERCY Lord, MERCY
I need your compassion to relieve my suffering. I pray for Your reprieve. My friends are interceding, 'Mercy Lord, Mercy' for me.
When I am overwhelmed and sinking, I stretch out my arms and cry, Mercy Lord! Have mercy on Your daughter, oh Father. Show Your Favor and Kindness to me. I cannot survive the emotional massacre that is occurring within me. I need Your Compassion's, because they fail not. I need Your Hope. I need Your Strength to carry this burden. I am looking to You to save me.
I am a weak and brittle twig, protect me from breaking.
You gently direct my attention to this:
Ah, and there is the perspective shifter....
This Mercy that I am seeking, has already been shown to me in an extravagant display of affection.
You are the One who has shown the greatest Mercy to me at the cross of Calvary-where Mercy paid for me. Where the wrath I deserved, it is gone, it has past. Your Blood has hidden me.
Mercy, Mercy, as endless as the sea. You have taken all my shame and nailed it to Your Cross. That shame that I carried around for years on end. That shame that I hid from my husband because of the fears that the enemy haunted me with. That shame, I confess, is gone. You have removed my guilt and shame. I can walk blameless into Your Presence because of the Blood that covers me, and continues to cover my sins.
So, boldly I am approaching Your Throne and asking that when the things of this world come to overwhelm me, that You would keep my eyes above the water.
You have given me the Hope of Heaven, and oh how I long to be there. The place where my perspective will be forever changed-forever fixed on You. The place where I can continually reside in Your Presence.
I am wholly Yours Lord. How can I not give you everything I have in light of Your Mercy? How can I not endure this world, in Your Strength, because I know the Hope which awaits me? Lord, teach me to endure my trials with patient perseverance, so that I won't come up lacking anything that you want me to be.
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4 NASB)
So the difficult seasons, difficult mothering moments, the difficult people I encounter all pale in comparison to the Mercy You possess and lavish on Your children, and produce in Your children. So, I will put my faith in You because You are Faithful. You are Righteous-faithful to Your Promises. You are the only One worthy of my praise! I'll sing Your Hallelujah for all eternity.
"Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord.
As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of COMPASSION and MERCY." (James 5:10-11 NIV)
May I never lose the wonder, oh the wonder of Your Mercy. May I sing Your Hallelujah, Hallelujah.
Amen (so be it).
How are you supposed to stomach the Christmas cards that arrive in your mailbox everyday with smiling, kissing, happy, whole families pictured? The ones with the husband embracing his wife? The ones where his babies are perched happily on his lap? The ones that constantly remind you of the chasm that has been gouged out of your soul-that hole that reminds you of how sick and sad and suffering this world truly is.
Where do you put those feelings that arise when you tell your daughter to go change into the clothes she wants to wear after school and she returns to you, wearing her "Watch Dog Dad" shirt. That shirt that is such a prestigious mark for any kindergartner whose Daddy is serving in the school for the day. That shirt that they both had and both wore, so they could be twinkies-set apart for a day. The shirt that immediately sends your mind to that picture in the school hallway last year where he is squatting down, holding his daughters on his lap in sheer Daddy pride.
How do you survive the nights when your son cries out for his Daddy and all you can do is sink to the floor in desperation? When the only reaction that you have is a deep echoing of his sorrow and pain? When your tears cover his back as you weep over him, and with him with no adequate, healing words to offer his breaking heart?
What do you do when you don't want to go to the Christmas tree farm this year because you would rather chew glass than see another man cut down your Christmas tree for your kids? When you could care less about decorating, Christmas parties, or buying gifts? When you just don't feel like celebrating.
How do you keep going when you have been forced to celebrate so much in such a short period of time (both your sons birthdays, your birthday, his birthday, Thanksgiving, with your daughter's birthday in a week and a half, and Christmas immediately following that)? How much celebrating can you be forced to do? How do you endure such mixed emotions in a short period of time?
How do you overcome your disdain for men that you come in contact with because they live and act against you in stark contrast to the man that has taken care of you for the past ten years? When their greed, insensitivity, and cowardly acts make your stomach churn. When you long for the past when you walked daily with that man-the one that had integrity, sensitivity, love, generosity, bravery, kindness, and patience in supernatural abundance. When you knew what a godly man truly was because you slept next to him each night.
My only plea is:
"MERCY Lord, MERCY
I need your compassion to relieve my suffering. I pray for Your reprieve. My friends are interceding, 'Mercy Lord, Mercy' for me.
When I am overwhelmed and sinking, I stretch out my arms and cry, Mercy Lord! Have mercy on Your daughter, oh Father. Show Your Favor and Kindness to me. I cannot survive the emotional massacre that is occurring within me. I need Your Compassion's, because they fail not. I need Your Hope. I need Your Strength to carry this burden. I am looking to You to save me.
I am a weak and brittle twig, protect me from breaking.
You gently direct my attention to this:
Ah, and there is the perspective shifter....
This Mercy that I am seeking, has already been shown to me in an extravagant display of affection.
You are the One who has shown the greatest Mercy to me at the cross of Calvary-where Mercy paid for me. Where the wrath I deserved, it is gone, it has past. Your Blood has hidden me.
Mercy, Mercy, as endless as the sea. You have taken all my shame and nailed it to Your Cross. That shame that I carried around for years on end. That shame that I hid from my husband because of the fears that the enemy haunted me with. That shame, I confess, is gone. You have removed my guilt and shame. I can walk blameless into Your Presence because of the Blood that covers me, and continues to cover my sins.
So, boldly I am approaching Your Throne and asking that when the things of this world come to overwhelm me, that You would keep my eyes above the water.
You have given me the Hope of Heaven, and oh how I long to be there. The place where my perspective will be forever changed-forever fixed on You. The place where I can continually reside in Your Presence.
I am wholly Yours Lord. How can I not give you everything I have in light of Your Mercy? How can I not endure this world, in Your Strength, because I know the Hope which awaits me? Lord, teach me to endure my trials with patient perseverance, so that I won't come up lacking anything that you want me to be.
"Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4 NASB)
So the difficult seasons, difficult mothering moments, the difficult people I encounter all pale in comparison to the Mercy You possess and lavish on Your children, and produce in Your children. So, I will put my faith in You because You are Faithful. You are Righteous-faithful to Your Promises. You are the only One worthy of my praise! I'll sing Your Hallelujah for all eternity.
"Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord.
As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of COMPASSION and MERCY." (James 5:10-11 NIV)
May I never lose the wonder, oh the wonder of Your Mercy. May I sing Your Hallelujah, Hallelujah.
Amen (so be it).
Comments
Kris
Thank you for your constant prayers! They are felt, needed and answered by HIM to whom we must give an account! I love you dearly!
All I can say to you right now is that my heart breaks for you! I am so deeply sorry for your loss. The division of two souls that have become one in HIM is the most excruciating pain possible for the soul. I am leaning, with all my weight, on HIS Truth that HE comes to bind up the broken hearted. I am believing for myself and for dear sisters in Christ, who are forced to walk this same road, that HE has great "good" planned for our lives out of the sorrow of this sin-sick world. I know that the pain of this world helps us to loosen our grip on the silly things that will one day burn up. I know that I look Heavenward a lot more often than I ever have, and I pray with more fervency for the return of The King!
Lord God, I beg that you engulf Amber in your love. "May He grant you out of the rich treasury of His glory to be strengthened and reinforced with mighty power in the inner man by the [Holy] Spirit [Himself indwelling your innermost being and personality]. May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love, that you may have the power and be strong to apprehend and grasp with all the saints [God's devoted people, the experience of that love] what is the breadth and length and height and depth [of it]; [That you may really come] to know [practically, through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]!"
"Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]-to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations forever and ever. Amen (so be it)."
Ephesians 3:16-21