Skip to main content

Real

So I have been mad lately.  Just plain old, spitting mad.  If you noticed, I took a lengthy break (45 days) some time back because I felt I had absolutely nothing worth writing.  I sunk down in to a pit and quite frankly, had not much desire to come out of it.

Now, here during this holiday season...."The most wonderful time of the year".....I have begun to sink again.  I am not exactly sure what the trigger is, but all these happy and content people are making me angry.  It's as if the world is moving on at record pace and I am sitting still with the expectation to get better and move on.  Well, I don't want to move on.  I want to rewind and have an official redo.  The deepest part of my being wants to wish and pray hard enough, that time would reverse and rewind to August 12th, and undo the horrible events of that day that have left me confused and extremely empty today.

There is a part of me that subconsciously reasons that if I protest enough with my closest friends and family, maybe just maybe God would give him back to me and end my agony.  In my sane brain, I know that is not possible but the crazy part (which feels like the dominant part nowadays) thinks this might help convince The Lord to issue me a do-over.

On one side of the abyss is the encouraging, overcoming, strong Kristin who leads women's ministry and knows that in God's Sovereign Plan, good will come out of this mess.  Then, on the other side of the abyss is this fragile, faithless, hopeless Kristin who sees no way out of the nightmare of her life.  The pendulum swings back and forth between the two, landing at each and every point in between depending on the day, hour, and minute.

My friends and family mourn and grieve with me and much of the time I offer them no hope because I feel none.  I may see hope for the next life (the eternal one) and the joy of residing in a place with no tears, no pain, and no sin, but when I look in to the future of my life here, all hope seems to fade away.  The road ahead looks too long and WAY too painful.

But I must remember where I have come from.  Like King David's Psalms, I must remember what HE has done for me.  The game changer is the perspective point.  Will I trust in the One Who sees from a vantage point?  Will I trust in this God who gave me this AMAZING husband?  This God who used this man to consistently point others (especially me) to God.  Will I thank HIM for that blessing and the AWESOME blessing of four miniature Conner's that I get to watch grow?  Will I trust in the God who came up with salvation?  The salvation that is the ONLY hope I am leaning on.  The salvation that assures me that one day I will not only be with Conner for all eternity, but I will be with my true husband-the One who paid the highest price, His Life, so that I would never have to be separated from HIM.

So while I lay down and throw a walleyed fit, the only hope that I have to lean on is the hope that HE alone has provided.  I am reeling at the fact that my only hope is in the One who I am pushing against.  My hope is in HIS Marvelous plan of salvation.  The awing plan that uses HIS self-sacrifice to buy me back from the place of torment and eternal separation from HIM.

It's like I am saying that I will accept the benefits of Your Salvation, but I reject the discomfort of Your Sovereignty.

I think that is why in marriage we are reminded through a covenant to our spouse.  We commit to rich, or poor.  We commit to health, or sickness.  We commit to better, or worse.  The definition of a covenant is "an agreement that brings about a relationship of commitment between God and his people. The Jewish faith is based on the biblical covenants made with Abraham, Moses, and David."  So, God created covenants with HIS People so that we would be reminded of our relationship of commitment to HIM.  HE created covenants so that we could see how HE is faithful to HIS Promises.  We derive our marriage covenant from God's example of what a covenant relationship should look like.  We commit to our spouse to walk through the good of life and use the marriage covenant to remind ourselves of the relationship of commitment to walk through the bad of this life with that same person.

God's covenant to me has been faithfully fulfilled since the dawn of time.  HIS covenant relationship has been flawless and extravagant for me.  But, I have the audacity to forget my covenant relationship with HIM.  I have said yes to HIS Sovereignty on numerous occasions, but the minute it brings me discomfort and pain, I question HIS Faithfulness and HIS Goodness for me.

If I allow my eyes to drift from HIM and HIS Faithfulness, to the torrent that is sure to overwhelm me, I am doomed.  Doomed to the hopeless pit that the enemy has laid out before me to sink in to.

HE still speaks to me in the quietness of HIS Love.  Through this pain, HE has opened my eyes to the reality of HIS sufferings and the realness of HIS Life.  The most beautiful Christmas song I can think of for a true perspective shift is Nichole Nordeman's Real:



There is such realness in the struggle of HIS covenant with us.  There is realness in the pain of Mary and Joseph.  There is realness in the pain of HIS prayer in the garden as HE struggled to fulfill HIS end of the relationship of commitment with HIS children.  There is realness in the pain and suffering of HIS disciples.  There is realness and there is Light that comes from the faithfulness of our covenant with HIM in the midst of the pain.

So, if you (like me) are approaching this holiday season with sorrow, pain, and grief, join with me in contemplating the reality of the sufferings of Christ.  The reality of the sufferings of those that have chosen to follow hard after Him and have been put on display as a bright and blinking arrow of the hope to come.  There is always hope in HIM and HIS Word!

If you are approaching this holiday season with joy and comfort and a season of plenty, I beg that you draw close to HIM.  I ask this of you because I could have never known what was to come in my life.  HE knew and HE gently prepared me to walk this difficult road.  HE has "taken me deeper than my feet could ever wonder and my faith will be made stronger in the Presence of my Savior."  Dare to go there with HIM.

If you are approaching this holiday season without a secure grasp on the destination of your eternal existence, I plead with you to make that right with HIM now, before you even finish reading this post.  Life is a gift of second chances.  Each breath that we breathe is an opportunity given by HIM.  HE is calling all into HIS Salvation and beautiful redemptive plan, say "YES!"  Give HIM everything you are because HE has paid the highest price for you!

No matter the direction you are coming from, let us arrive together in the quiet wonder of the realness of our Savior and the realness of the sacrifice HE made to buy back our freedom.  Let us stand in awe this Christmas of the One "Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to deatheven death on a cross!" (Philippians 2:6-8)

Amen (so be it).

Comments

Unknown said…
Someone I love has a sign on their shelf that says "Share Jesus!"
Simply put...You are!
Thank you Kristin❤️
And by the way, if you ever wonder why there aren't more comments it may be because it is a major ordeal to edit for some reason, at least for me!
I love you!
Unknown said…
I love you SO dearly, my sweet Perri! You love so very well dear friend! Thank you for loving me in my most unlovable time!
Leah A said…
Thank you Kristin Wilson! Thank you for shining the light!!
Unknown said…
Leah, I love you dearly friend!

Popular posts from this blog

Jump a little higher

  So, here she stands, at the edge of her fear.  She contemplates if she has what it takes to jump.  She carefully moves to the end to see how far down she is going to fall.  After a careful evaluation, she decides it best not to jump.  Through the course of the evening I watched her repeat this process, only to return to the dock, unsuccessful each time.  Then, the unthinkable happens right in front of my eyes.   She is pushed.  She had been working up the courage to jump, and instead of faith and patience, she received a careless shove.  She came up out of the water in tears, with fear in her eyes.  My heart broke for my precious P.  She is my child, and is inclined to the same fear struggles that her mama has walked with for 32 years.   I don't remember if her Daddy had a lot of words to say to her, but I do remember what happened next.  You see, his style was always example with few words.  He spoke volumes through a life well lived, without ever having to announc

Resolution: Marriage

I so wanted to write this post before today, but with New Year's resolutions, who cares when you actually start them!!!  I am honestly encouraging a life change, not just a New Year's resolution that will quickly be dropped and the old habit easily picked up again.  I am writing to all you married folks out there.  I am going to write a plea from someone who wishes she could make changes in her marriage today.  Yet, that opportunity was stolen from me this August and I wish, with all my being, that I had the chance to be a different wife to my precious Conner.  I wish that I had the opportunity, as you do, to make a conscientious decision to change my behavior towards, and my thought pattern about my dear husband!   It's like that song, "You don't know what you got 'til it's gone," but with greater pain than can be explained in words.  Words can't even come close to describing the pain of losing him! I would love for you to pause right here

The Power Within

As I sit in my bedroom floor, here at 9:30 PM, writing this blog post, I am so deeply saddened to be here alone.  I honestly do not have the words to describe my feelings for my husband and the hole that I now have in my soul because of his absence.  He was the greatest man that I have ever known.  He was used by God to usher me into a deep relationship with the Lord and I do not know how I can possibly spend the rest of my life without him.  With all that said, I know in the deepest part of my soul that God will carry me the rest of my days. I did not start out with great security in my spiritual life that I have today.  You see, I used to (and am sure I still do) have some really messed up views of God and who He is.  As I look back over the past 10 years of my life I can see God's Hand at work, many times through Conner, to right my wrong assumptions of who He was.  Hurt, fear and pain can work overtime to thwart our views of God.  If we are not careful to seek Truth when