How do I function Lord when the tidal wave has run me over and I feel as though I am drowning? How do I live this life with such contrasting emotions from one minute to the next? I have sat peacefully soaking up the Son, tasting the crisp air of Your Goodness and Truth. However, some days (and some moments, for that matter) I am hit with the fears of my future and the awareness of my inadequacies. I enthusiastically sat before a room full of beautiful women and thumped my Bible, with genuine sincerity and belief. Immediately trailing, the opposing feelings of doubt invade as though that person and this one are not the same. I believe but I am struggling.
Today I drove through Starbucks to grab a warm coffee on this cold and rainy day. As the barista was taking my money she asked, "Are you still trying to wake up?" I wanted to scream, "YES! I am trying to wake up from the terror and nightmare that is now my life! I want to wake up! I need to wake up! I am undone in this thing I call my life!"
In that moment, I was then plainly aware that the sorrow that resides in the deepest part of my soul is plain even to perfect strangers. No matter how I paint my face up, or what clothes I adorn myself with, there is the inner self that cannot be hidden from one soul to the next. The rain cries heavy tears for me. I have used all mine up for now, and cannot give that physical expression of my pain in this moment. The internal feelings of pain and sorrow are oozing out of my being. I am wearing them in the look on my face. So the things on the inside that I think I do such a wonderful job of hiding and polishing up are not really that well hidden. This barista can see my soul. Though she names it exhaustion, I tell you it is sorrow of the acutest kind. I am a spiritual being with a spiritual beacon.
"Let your light so shine before men that they may see your moral excellence and your praiseworthy, noble, and good deeds and recognize and honor and praise and glorify your Father Who is in heaven." Matthew 5:16
What beacon am I shining to the world? One of striving and fretting to make the outside look so good? One of deep sorrow and pain? One of toil and anguish as I chase after the things of this world-the things that will burn up as I cross into eternity? What is my soul speaking to those around me? HOPE or hopelessness? PEACE or unrest? Striving or REST?
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4
My sweet Mother-in-Love put my emotions into words the other day. She said that she had always been aware of Spiritual Warfare, but nothing like she was now! The desolation of my situation and the kill shots that the enemy is taking at me is ever before my eyes. I cannot escape the reality of the battle that is raging for my soul and the souls of those around me! If the enemy can take Christians (individuals, marriages, ministries, etc.) down, then he wins that battle. I know that I know Who is going to win the war, but the battles are the ones that seem to trip me up!
Maybe I need to believe it for myself and not for someone else? Maybe I need to preach it to my own heart until I believe?
"Therefore then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us,
In HIS great love for me, HE continues to set the same Truth set before me to take or leave. HE does not force me to take it, but I must take it and believe it for myself. It is a generous gift (Ephesians 2:8-9). I must evaluate each thought that runs through my head. "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5. I must CHOOSE to focus on HIS Truth over the anxiety that overwhelms me at times.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8.
"Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for." John Piper
Today I drove through Starbucks to grab a warm coffee on this cold and rainy day. As the barista was taking my money she asked, "Are you still trying to wake up?" I wanted to scream, "YES! I am trying to wake up from the terror and nightmare that is now my life! I want to wake up! I need to wake up! I am undone in this thing I call my life!"
In that moment, I was then plainly aware that the sorrow that resides in the deepest part of my soul is plain even to perfect strangers. No matter how I paint my face up, or what clothes I adorn myself with, there is the inner self that cannot be hidden from one soul to the next. The rain cries heavy tears for me. I have used all mine up for now, and cannot give that physical expression of my pain in this moment. The internal feelings of pain and sorrow are oozing out of my being. I am wearing them in the look on my face. So the things on the inside that I think I do such a wonderful job of hiding and polishing up are not really that well hidden. This barista can see my soul. Though she names it exhaustion, I tell you it is sorrow of the acutest kind. I am a spiritual being with a spiritual beacon.
"Let your light so shine before men that they may see your moral excellence and your praiseworthy, noble, and good deeds and recognize and honor and praise and glorify your Father Who is in heaven." Matthew 5:16
What beacon am I shining to the world? One of striving and fretting to make the outside look so good? One of deep sorrow and pain? One of toil and anguish as I chase after the things of this world-the things that will burn up as I cross into eternity? What is my soul speaking to those around me? HOPE or hopelessness? PEACE or unrest? Striving or REST?
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4
My sweet Mother-in-Love put my emotions into words the other day. She said that she had always been aware of Spiritual Warfare, but nothing like she was now! The desolation of my situation and the kill shots that the enemy is taking at me is ever before my eyes. I cannot escape the reality of the battle that is raging for my soul and the souls of those around me! If the enemy can take Christians (individuals, marriages, ministries, etc.) down, then he wins that battle. I know that I know Who is going to win the war, but the battles are the ones that seem to trip me up!
Maybe I need to believe it for myself and not for someone else? Maybe I need to preach it to my own heart until I believe?
"Therefore then, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses [who have borne testimony to the Truth], let us strip off and throw aside every encumbrance (unnecessary weight) and that sin which so readily (deftly and cleverly) clings to and entangles us, and let us run with patient endurance and steady and active persistence the appointed course of the race that is set before us,
Looking away [from all that will distract] to Jesus, Who is the Leader and the Source of our faith [giving the first incentive for our belief] and is also its Finisher [bringing it to maturity and perfection]. He, for the joy [of obtaining the prize] that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising and ignoring the shame, and is now seated at the right hand of the throne of God.
Just think of Him Who endured from sinners such grievous opposition and bitter hostility against Himself [reckon up and consider it all in comparison with your trials], so that you may not grow weary or exhausted, losing heart and relaxing and fainting in your minds.
You have not yet struggled and fought agonizingly against sin, nor have you yet resisted and withstood to the point of pouring out your [own] blood." Hebrews 12:1-4 (AMP) (emphasis mine)
In HIS great love for me, HE continues to set the same Truth set before me to take or leave. HE does not force me to take it, but I must take it and believe it for myself. It is a generous gift (Ephesians 2:8-9). I must evaluate each thought that runs through my head. "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5. I must CHOOSE to focus on HIS Truth over the anxiety that overwhelms me at times.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:4-8.
"Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for." John Piper
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