I have not written in a long time because much of the time I feel wholly unqualified to write and speak, when I have so many looming questions myself. Yet tonight, I know that if I do not write, I will be walking in disobedience to The Lord. HE has given me a message and confirmed the contents on numerous occasions and so I must speak. Often I feel like I could speak the prophet Jeremiah's words:
"But if I say, 'I will not remember Him
Or speak anymore in His name,'
Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire
Shut up in my bones;
And I am weary of holding it in,
And I cannot endure it."
(Jeremiah 20:9 NASB)
So, with this fire burning in my heart, I speak in obedience to God and pray that someone out there is moved to salvation through HIS Words.
A week ago I received this text from a dear friend:
"think of this-you GET IT. you get the point of this life-to know and understand Christ and His love for you. SO MANY people don't and wont ever understand. They'll walk around blindly thinking they've got it. They'll live and die their whole lives and miss the entire point. BUT You've got it. You've got truth written on your soul. THAT is incredible."
Then, the following day, I received a precious card from a dear friend. This dear friend and I had met and gotten to know one another because our husbands were in school together. They were attending the King Ranch Institute for Ranch Management and the class sizes were extremely small (4 people each year), so you got to know the other families pretty well. This thoughtful friend has been extremely kind to keep in touch with me and encourage me these past almost 14 months. I cherish each one of her heart-felt letters, but this one stopped me in my tracks and reduced me to tears as I sat at my kitchen table reading it. Amidst her encouragement, she told me a story about her husband and my Conner. They were traveling to Austin, Texas together, just the two of them, for school reasons. On the way to Austin, Conner asks his friend, "So, what's your relationship with Jesus Christ?"
I was amazed to be learning yet another new thing about my precious husband. I wept because of the example of his faithfulness to the Lord that I was benefitting from, even after his death. I was moved by his concern for the eternal state of his friend's soul. I was ashamed of my lack of boldness in sharing the Good News that I have within me, compared to Conner's courageous model. I was amazed at the simplicity of his question and the ease of which I could begin a conversation with anyone about Christ.
She continued her story in that her husband was sitting in Mass these many years later, listening to their priest and was struck with the boldness of Conner to ask such a question. These many years later God was still beckoning him, whether he knows it or not. The Lord used Conner to plant a seed in this dear friends heart that HE would use these many years later to call him deeper.
You see, the Lord doesn't leave us alone. I am amazed to look into HIS Word and see the jealousy HE has for HIS People. From Genesis to Revelation you see the faithfulness of a Holy God and the rebellion of a messed up people. I am in awe at HIS tenderness to those who do not believe. You can take one look into the book of Hosea and see the tenacity with which God goes after those HE loves. You can read passages like, 2 Peter 3:9 which reads (AMP), "The Lord does not delay [as though He were unable to act] and is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is [extraordinarily] patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.", and see the patient and kind heart of a Father that provides opportunity of repentance for all.
I was moved even further when I had a conversation with a spiritual giant at my church about my new endeavor to begin seminary classes. She was praising me for choosing to go to seminary and seek answers for what I was experiencing in my life. When she said these words to me, my heart was pricked because that is not the reason that I have begun seminary. I truly believe that I will not receive the answers that I desire about Conner's death, this side of heaven. I think that the loss is too great and the pain too consuming to find a sufficient answer for my weak soul. Maybe I am wrong, but there just doesn't seem to be a good enough answer for this tragedy.
What I was thinking through this conversation was that I now know what Paul was speaking about in Philippians 1:18b-25: "Yes, and I will rejoice, 19 for I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, 20 according to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to shame in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. 23 But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; 24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith,".
I now know and understand that I have been left here to continue with you all, which is anyone that HE gives me to share this Good News with, for your progress and joy in the faith. This includes our four precious children and anyone else that the Good Lord gives me to share this treasure with. My heart in attending seminary is to better equip myself to teach and preach the Truth of the Bible. I desire to give to others what has been so graciously given me.
Then on Sunday we had a guest preacher, Dr. Fred Lowery, preach a sermon that shook me to my core because I knew that the Lord was already heavy on me to spread the Good News of HIS saving gospel to those that do not understand and those that are lost in the schemes of the devil (http://www.mobberly.org/Media/archive). This man had Jesus oozing from his soul. He was the kind of man that I just desperately wished I could be a weekly dinner guest with he and his wife, as I can imagine gleaning massive amounts of wisdom from. I sat entranced listening to the Lord's Word flow gently and kindly from his mouth. He made a statement towards the end of his sermon that seared me. He said, "We exist for those not yet reached." Now, to understand the magnitude of this simple sentence for me you have to understand my struggle.
Conner was the one guy I have ever loved....ever! I have been in love with him since I was 15 years old. I could not imagine my life shared with anyone else. He has also been the most pivotal person, spiritually, in my life. I have learned more about the Lord through that man, than anyone else I have met in my now 34 years. Losing him was probably the one thing that I knew I could never survive, yet amazingly, here I am breathing and typing this message to you. So, to summarize my attachment to that man, he was my favorite person on the face of this earth.
We loved each other recklessly and wholly. So many times in our marriage we would marvel at how wonderful our life together was. We would see the struggle of so many marriages around us and wonder why we didn't have the problems that we saw so many others having.
Now, on a side note, we were not perfect, nor was our marriage, but I can see that it was one of the best marriages I have come in contact with (if I can say that of my own marriage). On another side note, I do not say these things for comparison purposes. I know the marital struggles of so many of my friends and family and I am not gloating over being blessed with a wonderful marriage. I know that I am deeply inclined to compare my life with others and that is not my purpose here! I am trying to convey with my words the attachment that I had to this person and the devastating loss that I am now experiencing.
More times than I can count since his death I have wondered why I am still alive. I have wondered if I could curl up on his grave and die there from heartbreak, like Where the Red Fern Grows. I have fought the bombarding thoughts of why didn't HE take me instead. I have wondered what good a catastrophically broken-hearted person can be in this life.
When you are experiencing anguish beyond belief, it is difficult to see anything clearly. HE has slowly brought me to a place that I can understand and take the weight of such a statement as, "We exist for those not yet reached." Just like Paul in his heart wrenching letter to the Philippians, as he sits imprisoned for his witness of the Lord Jesus Christ, I too echo that my desire is to be with the Lord (and Conner) in heaven. But if I am to be left here, it is for the furthering of the Body of Christ.
So today I sit astounded and heavy with the reality that I have been left here, alive, to serve the purpose of furthering the Kingdom of heaven. I know that there are many out there that do not know the Truth of what His Word teaches. There are many that are going to hell and confused as to how to get to heaven. There are many more who think that following Christ is a one-time decision and are unaware of the relationship with Jesus Christ that is offered to those willing to seek it. There is confusion in people, confusion in religion, confusion in culture, confusion in this world. But there is Absolute Truth in His Word, that sets a person free!
I pray with my whole heart that you find this Truth that will set you free to walk in a spirit-filled life with HIM. If you are reading this, HE is beckoning you, whether you know it or not.
31 To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. 32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
33 They answered him, “We are Abraham’s descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?”
34 Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. 35 Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. 36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. 37 I know that you are Abraham’s descendants. Yet you are looking for a way to kill me, because you have no room for my word. 38 I am telling you what I have seen in the Father’s presence, and you are doing what you have heard from your father.[b]”
39 “Abraham is our father,” they answered.
“If you were Abraham’s children,” said Jesus, “then you would[c] do what Abraham did. 40 As it is, you are looking for a way to kill me, a man who has told you the truth that I heard from God. Abraham did not do such things. 41 You are doing the works of your own father.”
“We are not illegitimate children,” they protested. “The only Father we have is God himself.”
42 Jesus said to them, “If God were your Father, you would love me, for I have come here from God. I have not come on my own; God sent me. 43 Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say. 44 You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. 45 Yet because I tell the truth, you do not believe me! 46 Can any of you prove me guilty of sin? If I am telling the truth, why don’t you believe me? 47 Whoever belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God.”
48 The Jews answered him, “Aren’t we right in saying that you are a Samaritan and demon-possessed?”
49 “I am not possessed by a demon,” said Jesus, “but I honor my Father and you dishonor me. 50 I am not seeking glory for myself; but there is one who seeks it, and he is the judge. 51 Very truly I tell you, whoever obeys my word will never see death.”
52 At this they exclaimed, “Now we know that you are demon-possessed! Abraham died and so did the prophets, yet you say that whoever obeys your word will never taste death. 53 Are you greater than our father Abraham? He died, and so did the prophets. Who do you think you are?”
54 Jesus replied, “If I glorify myself, my glory means nothing. My Father, whom you claim as your God, is the one who glorifies me. 55 Though you do not know him, I know him. If I said I did not, I would be a liar like you, but I do know him and obey his word. 56 Your father Abraham rejoiced at the thought of seeing my day; he saw it and was glad.”
57 “You are not yet fifty years old,” they said to him, “and you have seen Abraham!”
58 “Very truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “before Abraham was born, I am!”
So, my question to you today is, "So, what's your relationship with Jesus Christ?"
"But if I say, 'I will not remember Him
Or speak anymore in His name,'
Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire
Shut up in my bones;
And I am weary of holding it in,
And I cannot endure it."
(Jeremiah 20:9 NASB)
So, with this fire burning in my heart, I speak in obedience to God and pray that someone out there is moved to salvation through HIS Words.
A week ago I received this text from a dear friend:
"think of this-you GET IT. you get the point of this life-to know and understand Christ and His love for you. SO MANY people don't and wont ever understand. They'll walk around blindly thinking they've got it. They'll live and die their whole lives and miss the entire point. BUT You've got it. You've got truth written on your soul. THAT is incredible."
Then, the following day, I received a precious card from a dear friend. This dear friend and I had met and gotten to know one another because our husbands were in school together. They were attending the King Ranch Institute for Ranch Management and the class sizes were extremely small (4 people each year), so you got to know the other families pretty well. This thoughtful friend has been extremely kind to keep in touch with me and encourage me these past almost 14 months. I cherish each one of her heart-felt letters, but this one stopped me in my tracks and reduced me to tears as I sat at my kitchen table reading it. Amidst her encouragement, she told me a story about her husband and my Conner. They were traveling to Austin, Texas together, just the two of them, for school reasons. On the way to Austin, Conner asks his friend, "So, what's your relationship with Jesus Christ?"
I was amazed to be learning yet another new thing about my precious husband. I wept because of the example of his faithfulness to the Lord that I was benefitting from, even after his death. I was moved by his concern for the eternal state of his friend's soul. I was ashamed of my lack of boldness in sharing the Good News that I have within me, compared to Conner's courageous model. I was amazed at the simplicity of his question and the ease of which I could begin a conversation with anyone about Christ.
She continued her story in that her husband was sitting in Mass these many years later, listening to their priest and was struck with the boldness of Conner to ask such a question. These many years later God was still beckoning him, whether he knows it or not. The Lord used Conner to plant a seed in this dear friends heart that HE would use these many years later to call him deeper.
You see, the Lord doesn't leave us alone. I am amazed to look into HIS Word and see the jealousy HE has for HIS People. From Genesis to Revelation you see the faithfulness of a Holy God and the rebellion of a messed up people. I am in awe at HIS tenderness to those who do not believe. You can take one look into the book of Hosea and see the tenacity with which God goes after those HE loves. You can read passages like, 2 Peter 3:9 which reads (AMP), "The Lord does not delay [as though He were unable to act] and is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is [extraordinarily] patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.", and see the patient and kind heart of a Father that provides opportunity of repentance for all.
I was moved even further when I had a conversation with a spiritual giant at my church about my new endeavor to begin seminary classes. She was praising me for choosing to go to seminary and seek answers for what I was experiencing in my life. When she said these words to me, my heart was pricked because that is not the reason that I have begun seminary. I truly believe that I will not receive the answers that I desire about Conner's death, this side of heaven. I think that the loss is too great and the pain too consuming to find a sufficient answer for my weak soul. Maybe I am wrong, but there just doesn't seem to be a good enough answer for this tragedy.
What I was thinking through this conversation was that I now know what Paul was speaking about in Philippians 1:18b-25: "Yes, and I will rejoice, 19 for I know that this will turn out for my deliverance through your prayers and the provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, 20 according to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to shame in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. 21 For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. 22 But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. 23 But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; 24 yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. 25 Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith,".
I now know and understand that I have been left here to continue with you all, which is anyone that HE gives me to share this Good News with, for your progress and joy in the faith. This includes our four precious children and anyone else that the Good Lord gives me to share this treasure with. My heart in attending seminary is to better equip myself to teach and preach the Truth of the Bible. I desire to give to others what has been so graciously given me.
Then on Sunday we had a guest preacher, Dr. Fred Lowery, preach a sermon that shook me to my core because I knew that the Lord was already heavy on me to spread the Good News of HIS saving gospel to those that do not understand and those that are lost in the schemes of the devil (http://www.mobberly.org/Media/archive). This man had Jesus oozing from his soul. He was the kind of man that I just desperately wished I could be a weekly dinner guest with he and his wife, as I can imagine gleaning massive amounts of wisdom from. I sat entranced listening to the Lord's Word flow gently and kindly from his mouth. He made a statement towards the end of his sermon that seared me. He said, "We exist for those not yet reached." Now, to understand the magnitude of this simple sentence for me you have to understand my struggle.
Conner was the one guy I have ever loved....ever! I have been in love with him since I was 15 years old. I could not imagine my life shared with anyone else. He has also been the most pivotal person, spiritually, in my life. I have learned more about the Lord through that man, than anyone else I have met in my now 34 years. Losing him was probably the one thing that I knew I could never survive, yet amazingly, here I am breathing and typing this message to you. So, to summarize my attachment to that man, he was my favorite person on the face of this earth.
We loved each other recklessly and wholly. So many times in our marriage we would marvel at how wonderful our life together was. We would see the struggle of so many marriages around us and wonder why we didn't have the problems that we saw so many others having.
Now, on a side note, we were not perfect, nor was our marriage, but I can see that it was one of the best marriages I have come in contact with (if I can say that of my own marriage). On another side note, I do not say these things for comparison purposes. I know the marital struggles of so many of my friends and family and I am not gloating over being blessed with a wonderful marriage. I know that I am deeply inclined to compare my life with others and that is not my purpose here! I am trying to convey with my words the attachment that I had to this person and the devastating loss that I am now experiencing.
More times than I can count since his death I have wondered why I am still alive. I have wondered if I could curl up on his grave and die there from heartbreak, like Where the Red Fern Grows. I have fought the bombarding thoughts of why didn't HE take me instead. I have wondered what good a catastrophically broken-hearted person can be in this life.
When you are experiencing anguish beyond belief, it is difficult to see anything clearly. HE has slowly brought me to a place that I can understand and take the weight of such a statement as, "We exist for those not yet reached." Just like Paul in his heart wrenching letter to the Philippians, as he sits imprisoned for his witness of the Lord Jesus Christ, I too echo that my desire is to be with the Lord (and Conner) in heaven. But if I am to be left here, it is for the furthering of the Body of Christ.
So today I sit astounded and heavy with the reality that I have been left here, alive, to serve the purpose of furthering the Kingdom of heaven. I know that there are many out there that do not know the Truth of what His Word teaches. There are many that are going to hell and confused as to how to get to heaven. There are many more who think that following Christ is a one-time decision and are unaware of the relationship with Jesus Christ that is offered to those willing to seek it. There is confusion in people, confusion in religion, confusion in culture, confusion in this world. But there is Absolute Truth in His Word, that sets a person free!
I pray with my whole heart that you find this Truth that will set you free to walk in a spirit-filled life with HIM. If you are reading this, HE is beckoning you, whether you know it or not.
31 To the Jews who had believed him, Jesus said, “If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. 32 Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
33 They answered him, “We are Abraham’s descendants and have never been slaves of anyone. How can you say that we shall be set free?”
34 Jesus replied, “Very truly I tell you, everyone who sins is a slave to sin. 35 Now a slave has no permanent place in the family, but a son belongs to it forever. 36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. 37 I know that you are Abraham’s descendants. Yet you are looking for a way to kill me, because you have no room for my word. 38 I am telling you what I have seen in the Father’s presence, and you are doing what you have heard from your father.[b]”
39 “Abraham is our father,” they answered.
“If you were Abraham’s children,” said Jesus, “then you would[c] do what Abraham did. 40 As it is, you are looking for a way to kill me, a man who has told you the truth that I heard from God. Abraham did not do such things. 41 You are doing the works of your own father.”
“We are not illegitimate children,” they protested. “The only Father we have is God himself.”
42 Jesus said to them, “If God were your Father, you would love me, for I have come here from God. I have not come on my own; God sent me. 43 Why is my language not clear to you? Because you are unable to hear what I say. 44 You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies. 45 Yet because I tell the truth, you do not believe me! 46 Can any of you prove me guilty of sin? If I am telling the truth, why don’t you believe me? 47 Whoever belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God.”
48 The Jews answered him, “Aren’t we right in saying that you are a Samaritan and demon-possessed?”
49 “I am not possessed by a demon,” said Jesus, “but I honor my Father and you dishonor me. 50 I am not seeking glory for myself; but there is one who seeks it, and he is the judge. 51 Very truly I tell you, whoever obeys my word will never see death.”
52 At this they exclaimed, “Now we know that you are demon-possessed! Abraham died and so did the prophets, yet you say that whoever obeys your word will never taste death. 53 Are you greater than our father Abraham? He died, and so did the prophets. Who do you think you are?”
54 Jesus replied, “If I glorify myself, my glory means nothing. My Father, whom you claim as your God, is the one who glorifies me. 55 Though you do not know him, I know him. If I said I did not, I would be a liar like you, but I do know him and obey his word. 56 Your father Abraham rejoiced at the thought of seeing my day; he saw it and was glad.”
57 “You are not yet fifty years old,” they said to him, “and you have seen Abraham!”
58 “Very truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “before Abraham was born, I am!”
So, my question to you today is, "So, what's your relationship with Jesus Christ?"
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