One of the reason's that I attempt to reveal the depths of my sorrow and struggle is because I believe that there is great danger in our cultural practice of "posting" only the things that we succeed at and want to gloat over. There are so many, myself included, who's lives are anything but successful and note-worthy. The danger is real because there are so many who hurt daily, if not minute by minute. I want to share my struggle because I know without a doubt that HE is working THROUGH the struggle and more importantly, HE has never left me in this valley. Most importantly, that HE will never leave me which is the most comforting thought I could have through the destruction.
So...for the real...For the past week or so I have been going downhill. I have just come off of a significant and life-changing trip to Africa, and the enemy crept in and attacked full force. I had just walked through what would have been our 11th anniversary without my dear husband. Sunday was Valentine's Day and that is enough said on that one. I had had to deal with kid issues on Wednesday, that were too hard for me to handle alone. I sat in the principal's office and cried...which if you know me, isn't quite how I like conduct myself. I face financial issues alone and never feel up to the task of leading our family.
I have felt less and less significant and unable to continue in my difficult circumstances. Add a gluttonous dose of numb-scrolling through Facebook daily. Plus a heaping helping of self-pity, which led me to not going to church or Bible study. Fully baked on Wednesday night, disaster was complete and grief was more real and more frightening than it has been in a really long time. I could feel Conner's absence in my bones. I truly believe that you would have to be me to understand the sorrow that was affecting every single aspect of my body and soul.
When I feel this kind of depravity of my soul, I grab C.S. Lewis' book, A Grief Observed, because I can always find a friend in my grief there. I know that even if no one else could possibly understand how I feel (which of course I know isn't true), C.S. Lewis most definitely understands. There is comfort in that. Here is what I found Wednesday night, through a waterfall of tears and more emotion that my body could handle:
So...for the real...For the past week or so I have been going downhill. I have just come off of a significant and life-changing trip to Africa, and the enemy crept in and attacked full force. I had just walked through what would have been our 11th anniversary without my dear husband. Sunday was Valentine's Day and that is enough said on that one. I had had to deal with kid issues on Wednesday, that were too hard for me to handle alone. I sat in the principal's office and cried...which if you know me, isn't quite how I like conduct myself. I face financial issues alone and never feel up to the task of leading our family.
I have felt less and less significant and unable to continue in my difficult circumstances. Add a gluttonous dose of numb-scrolling through Facebook daily. Plus a heaping helping of self-pity, which led me to not going to church or Bible study. Fully baked on Wednesday night, disaster was complete and grief was more real and more frightening than it has been in a really long time. I could feel Conner's absence in my bones. I truly believe that you would have to be me to understand the sorrow that was affecting every single aspect of my body and soul.
When I feel this kind of depravity of my soul, I grab C.S. Lewis' book, A Grief Observed, because I can always find a friend in my grief there. I know that even if no one else could possibly understand how I feel (which of course I know isn't true), C.S. Lewis most definitely understands. There is comfort in that. Here is what I found Wednesday night, through a waterfall of tears and more emotion that my body could handle:
“Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened again; the
mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare
unreality, the wallowed-in tears. For in
grief nothing ‘stays put.’ One keeps on
emerging from a phase, but it always recurs.
Round and round. Everything
repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare
I hope I am on a spiral?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
But if a spiral, am I going up or down it?
How often-will it be for always?-how often will the vast
emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, ‘I never
realized my loss till this moment’? The
same leg is cut off time after time. The
first plunge of the knife into the flesh is felt again and again.”
Therefore, in my sorrow I decided that I had done enough and I was tapping out. I had held in there long enough and I just wasn't going to do it anymore. I decided that I wouldn't get out of bed and take care of the kids the next day. I indulged my sorrow by watching home movies of Conner, sobbing over photographs, and then I cried myself to sleep.
The last alarm wakes me at 7 A.M. Thursday morning and I find the strength to pull myself out of my bed, despite my previous night's commitment not to go on. I get the older kids ready and to school and my little sister comes to pick up my youngest son. I sit in my chair, quite and alone in my house. I ask the Lord to give me something because I am thoroughly lost and dry and helpless. I hear HIM say Psalm 33, so I pause and pray. I flip my Bible open to Psalm 33 and read:
Shouting for joy and singing a new song to HIM were about the last things that I FELT like doing, yet I knew that what the Psalmist proclaimed was unquestionably true....I just didn't FEEL it! So, I grabbed my phone and searched for some worship music. Without a doubt, HE led me to Shane and Shane's song, Psalm 98. I know it was HIM because every part of my flesh was resisting praising HIM in this moment.
"Let the seas roar and all that fills it
Let the world rejoice and all who are in it"
Is how the song begins and my heart is heavy with the Lord's prompt to come worship HIM.
"Let the rivers clap their hands
and the mountains sing"
Are the next lines in the song and I know that if I keep silent, that even the rocks will cry out.
"Strike up the band
come usher in, Jesus the King"
The chorus reduces me to tears as I sit alone in my living room, as HE re-invigorates purpose in praising my God:
"SING UNTO THE LORD
A NEW SONG FOR WHAT HE'S DONE
HE'S MADE KNOWN TO US
HIS SALVATION
MAKE A JOYFUL NOISE
OVER ALL THE EARTH
BREAK FORTH IN JOYOUS SONG
SING PRAISE"
I raise my pitiful little hands and cry tears of joy this time, as I realize the gift HE has given me by making known HIS Salvation to me, by giving me HIS Christ.
I struggle with faith to keep believing through the storm. I struggle with endurance to make it to my death or HIS Second Coming, still faithful to HIM. But as I praise HIM, sitting in Conner's favorite chair, I am strangely aware of the fact that I have never had to keep the faith to believe that HE would manifest HIS Promised Salvation.
"Moses and Aaron were before HIM
Samuel called upon HIS Name
And HE answered them through a cloud by day
WHAT THEY KNEW BY FAITH, WE KNOW BY NAME
JESUS THE KING!"
I have the blessing and privilege of living in an age where I have seen the promise of Salvation fulfilled and I am living proof of this Salvation. I have been rescued out of the dominion of darkness and PRAISE THE LORD, I have the privilege of being brought into the marvelous Light because of the Salvation of Jesus The King.
I sit in shock and awe as 3 minutes and 43 seconds of worship have changed my whole trajectory, my perspective. I could then move forward in gratitude and rejuvenated purpose.
And tonight, as I researched where the verse about the rocks crying out, I discover this:
37 When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:
Jesus was verbally sharing with the Pharisees, exactly what HE experientially shared with me Thursday morning. That HE has created us for praise and worship. And that Creation will cry out in worship to HIM, if we do not. That the pure and shear JOY that comes from knowing the Salvation that HE offers freely is uncontainable and unstoppable.
So, I urge you, knowing that the feelings may not be there today, or any day, to sing a new song to the Lord! Place your hope in HIS Unfailing Love! HE has made known to us HIS Salvation! I would say that is something to praise HIM for today!
"All you who have breath,
breath it out and sing
Praises to our King!"
When one of my dear and precious friends sent me a text tonight at 9 P.M. that read:
"Psalm 46 by Shane and Shane",
I just knew I had to write this post because God was and is doing something THROUGH the struggle!
Lord, I know YOU are with me in the fire! YOU are with me as a shelter! YOU will lead me THROUGH the fiercest battle! I ask that YOU would make my heart be still. Strengthen me, so I can go on praising you, every day that you have ordained for me to breathe.
May HE receive ALL the Praise! HE is Worthy!
I pray you are encouraged that struggle is real and part of the life of the believer.
The last alarm wakes me at 7 A.M. Thursday morning and I find the strength to pull myself out of my bed, despite my previous night's commitment not to go on. I get the older kids ready and to school and my little sister comes to pick up my youngest son. I sit in my chair, quite and alone in my house. I ask the Lord to give me something because I am thoroughly lost and dry and helpless. I hear HIM say Psalm 33, so I pause and pray. I flip my Bible open to Psalm 33 and read:
Psalm 33 (emphasis added)
1 Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous;
it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
2 Praise the Lord with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
3 Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.
it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
2 Praise the Lord with the harp;
make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
3 Sing to him a new song;
play skillfully, and shout for joy.
4 For the word of the Lord is right and true;
he is faithful in all he does.
5 The Lord loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.
he is faithful in all he does.
5 The Lord loves righteousness and justice;
the earth is full of his unfailing love.
6 By the word of the Lord the heavens were made,
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
7 He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
he puts the deep into storehouses.
8 Let all the earth fear the Lord;
let all the people of the world revere him.
9 For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.
their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
7 He gathers the waters of the sea into jars;
he puts the deep into storehouses.
8 Let all the earth fear the Lord;
let all the people of the world revere him.
9 For he spoke, and it came to be;
he commanded, and it stood firm.
10 The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
11 But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.
he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
11 But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
the purposes of his heart through all generations.
12 Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,
the people he chose for his inheritance.
13 From heaven the Lord looks down
and sees all mankind;
14 from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth—
15 he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.
the people he chose for his inheritance.
13 From heaven the Lord looks down
and sees all mankind;
14 from his dwelling place he watches
all who live on earth—
15 he who forms the hearts of all,
who considers everything they do.
16 No king is saved by the size of his army;
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
18 But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
19 to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
no warrior escapes by his great strength.
17 A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
despite all its great strength it cannot save.
18 But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
19 to deliver them from death
and keep them alive in famine.
20 We wait in hope for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
22 May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
he is our help and our shield.
21 In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in his holy name.
22 May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
even as we put our hope in you.
Shouting for joy and singing a new song to HIM were about the last things that I FELT like doing, yet I knew that what the Psalmist proclaimed was unquestionably true....I just didn't FEEL it! So, I grabbed my phone and searched for some worship music. Without a doubt, HE led me to Shane and Shane's song, Psalm 98. I know it was HIM because every part of my flesh was resisting praising HIM in this moment.
"Let the seas roar and all that fills it
Let the world rejoice and all who are in it"
Is how the song begins and my heart is heavy with the Lord's prompt to come worship HIM.
"Let the rivers clap their hands
and the mountains sing"
Are the next lines in the song and I know that if I keep silent, that even the rocks will cry out.
"Strike up the band
come usher in, Jesus the King"
The chorus reduces me to tears as I sit alone in my living room, as HE re-invigorates purpose in praising my God:
"SING UNTO THE LORD
A NEW SONG FOR WHAT HE'S DONE
HE'S MADE KNOWN TO US
HIS SALVATION
MAKE A JOYFUL NOISE
OVER ALL THE EARTH
BREAK FORTH IN JOYOUS SONG
SING PRAISE"
I raise my pitiful little hands and cry tears of joy this time, as I realize the gift HE has given me by making known HIS Salvation to me, by giving me HIS Christ.
I struggle with faith to keep believing through the storm. I struggle with endurance to make it to my death or HIS Second Coming, still faithful to HIM. But as I praise HIM, sitting in Conner's favorite chair, I am strangely aware of the fact that I have never had to keep the faith to believe that HE would manifest HIS Promised Salvation.
"Moses and Aaron were before HIM
Samuel called upon HIS Name
And HE answered them through a cloud by day
WHAT THEY KNEW BY FAITH, WE KNOW BY NAME
JESUS THE KING!"
I have the blessing and privilege of living in an age where I have seen the promise of Salvation fulfilled and I am living proof of this Salvation. I have been rescued out of the dominion of darkness and PRAISE THE LORD, I have the privilege of being brought into the marvelous Light because of the Salvation of Jesus The King.
I sit in shock and awe as 3 minutes and 43 seconds of worship have changed my whole trajectory, my perspective. I could then move forward in gratitude and rejuvenated purpose.
And tonight, as I researched where the verse about the rocks crying out, I discover this:
37 When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen:
38 “Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!”
“Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!”
39 Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, “Teacher, rebuke your disciples!”
40 “I tell you,” he replied, “if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out.”Jesus was verbally sharing with the Pharisees, exactly what HE experientially shared with me Thursday morning. That HE has created us for praise and worship. And that Creation will cry out in worship to HIM, if we do not. That the pure and shear JOY that comes from knowing the Salvation that HE offers freely is uncontainable and unstoppable.
So, I urge you, knowing that the feelings may not be there today, or any day, to sing a new song to the Lord! Place your hope in HIS Unfailing Love! HE has made known to us HIS Salvation! I would say that is something to praise HIM for today!
"All you who have breath,
breath it out and sing
Praises to our King!"
When one of my dear and precious friends sent me a text tonight at 9 P.M. that read:
"Psalm 46 by Shane and Shane",
I just knew I had to write this post because God was and is doing something THROUGH the struggle!
Lord, I know YOU are with me in the fire! YOU are with me as a shelter! YOU will lead me THROUGH the fiercest battle! I ask that YOU would make my heart be still. Strengthen me, so I can go on praising you, every day that you have ordained for me to breathe.
May HE receive ALL the Praise! HE is Worthy!
I pray you are encouraged that struggle is real and part of the life of the believer.
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